Dear Life,

Could you please stop throwing me curved balls and hitting me in the head until I fall flat on my face and can't even see straight? It would really help me out if you could simplify things and just let me focus on one tiny little thing for any given period of time. But you are a demanding master, and you never let my poor head have a rest. In fact you've been so greedy lately that you've asked for my heart, and I really don't appreciate it at all. Is it not enough that you require all my mental capacities? (although they're not much to boast of I know) Must you drag my heart through the mud and make me question everything I thought I knew? I suppose it's about time you humbled me again, because I have grown rather confident as of late. But as of right now, I would like you to know, I've decided I know absolutely nothing at all.
Love,
Elyse

Making a Mess

Today was one of those days where I found myself yet again thinking: why on earth does anyone even put up with me? If I wasn't me, I don't think I would do it. So bless all of you that do, I'm still trying to figure out why. Anyways, not much has been going on in the land of Elyse lately. Although I did find out a few days ago that my mom apparently reads my blog...still deciding how I feel about that one (by the way, hi mom!). Mission prep has, well, it's kind of stalled recently. Unless you call buying a new pair of church shoes mission prep. No I guess shoe shopping doesn't really count. However, I have continued my weekly temple trips and I LOVE THEM. I never thought I could find a place that would make me happier than disneyland (i really do think disneyland is the happiest place on earth...or the second happiest...don't judge). But I have! And I can go whenever I want, not to mention it's free. I love my life.

So yeah, that's pretty much it. Now I'm going to spill my guts a little, so let's hope I don't make a mess. Some days, thinking about the mission, I am completely sure of myself and what I'm doing. I get excited and jumpy and just want to pack my bags and leave tomorrow. I'll be honest though, some days I wake up and find my stomach has dropped somewhere into the ground as I contemplate all of the challenges that lie ahead. Paraylzing fear is a good description. I know it's normal to have these feelings, because I've sent about a dozen friends into the mission field and witnessed it firsthand, but it's different when you're standing there yourself. I think the biggest lesson I'm learning is just to trust in myself right now. It's funny how you go through different cycles of security in your life, but as of recently, I've totally lost confidence in my ability to make decisions. I am constantly second guessing myself. The hardest part is when my head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. I have never felt so torn in two in my life. But I know experiencing opposition has to be part of this process, because in the end I have to choose. I can't always depend on everyone else to decide for me. I know my mission will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I also know it will be one of the best things. I just wish I could cut myself open and bleed dry all of the doubts and fears until all I have left is conviction. But life is never that easy.

Highlights of the Week

Thinking so distractedly that I walked into the men's bathroom of the student center and stood there for a full 5 seconds with the door open before carefully backing out again and sweeping the hallways to gauge my public humiliation. Then proceeding to laugh myself all the way to the correct gender bathroom.

Running around in the basement so carelessly that I neglected to see the very pointy edge of the glass coffee table right before it embedded itself into my right knee socket. I will probably never regain complete functioning of my poor limb again.

Staying awake until 1:30am just to validate my suspicions that there is in fact a mouse living in my bedroom. Those little beady eyes and quick feet weren't fast enough to escape my notice! Now, as long as he understands he can't share my bed, we can at least be friends.

Trying to remain sane at work only to be rescued by helping a patron who decided to curiously prance around in her hot pink rain boots before I was able to find what she needed. Gotta love those free sprits.

Discovering urbandictionary.com and especially the definition of the phrase 'no dice'. Bless the internet and all it's random glory.

Walking past the bowling alley only to hear the words “Might solve a mystery, or re-write history…Ducktales a whoo hoo!” blasting over the radio. Ah the sweet nostalgia of childhood.

Going D.I. hopping with Suzie and in a moment of stupidity calling it an 'umpire waist' (what the heck? i don't even LIKE baseball!) only to have her almost laugh me out of the store. I swear I knew it was called 'empire waist'...at least I thought I did...

Bowling my highest score ever and beating everyone in attendance. Although, they shall remain nameless for their own vanity's sake. Let's just say 'losing' was deemed gentlemanly since some people are embarrassed to be out-bowled by a girl.

Again embarrassing myself by mispronounciation. This time with the word puree. Maybe I should quit telling people I'm an English major, it's starting to get pathetic.

Basically, yet another spectacular week from the awesomeness known as my life.

Only In Dreams

Am I the only one who has random people pop up in their dreams constantly? People that are the farthest (at least I thought?) away from my conscious thought and yet still seem to run through my dreams like broken records. It makes me want to just march up to them in real life and say "Excuse me, but would you mind NOT intruding into my subconscious thought? It makes me feel kind of creepy and I have much better things to be dreaming about other than you. Thank you very much." I know this would only merit a suggested trip to the special hospital with padded walls, but sometimes I wish things like this were more socially acceptable. Stupid Freud.

Pants on Fire

Have you ever started saying words only to realize the moment they left your mouth they were a lie? But you hadn't really known it was a lie until just then? In your head, it was logical and and sane and true, but saying it out loud somehow changed it.It is what it is though, one giant lie in all its' false glory. You can't take it back, you can't undo it, and you can't wish it away. Instead it just sits there, eating away at your insides until there's nothing left but a black hole that is ready to suck away all the silly untrue thoughts that seemed so reasonable in your head. That is what a true lie is my friends. And it stinks.

Welcome to Wonderland

So I'm going to try something a little different today. It probably has something to do with the fact that I drank a giant dr. pepper slurpee tonight, not to mention the dr. pepper I drank with dinner, and am now so hyped on caffeine I will likely get little sleep. But this is beside the point. I decided to do a little stream of conscious narrative of my day...of the things I can remember at least. So just to give you fair warning, this is what it is like in the head of Elyse. Scared yet? You should be...

Who is texting me this early in the morning? I mean I know it's almost 9am, but still. Oh it's okay. It's just ______. What a good friend to check up on me. I have such awesome friends. But I'm going back to sleep now. I'll text her back when I'm actually awake....

Seriously? My costco card is expired? After I just spent the last 30 minutes driving out of my way to buy the cheaper gas? Gah! This day already stinks. What is that lady in front of me looking at? Yeah I'm mad, but it's not like I was about to go serial killer. Maybe I really did look that mad. Meh. Now I have to go buy gas from stupid Chevron for like 15 cents more per gallon. Jeez....

Would it be too rude to just tell her that her stupid jangling bracelet is giving me a migraine? I think I'm going to start tearing my hair out if I have to listen to this for the next month. Is it really worth it though? Maybe I'll just go get my ipod. Nope, that won't cover it up. You know it kind of reminds me of that one scripture about how worldly women wear tinkling jewelry. I wonder what she'd do if I told her that haha. Offended? Hmm....

Probably should start home soon. I wonder what would happen if I just kept driving on and on right past my turn. I have a full tank of gas. I could probably make it a ways, at least out of Utah. Tempting, very tempting....

Ugh, I definitely shouldn't have sucked down that super sized slurpee. Not to mention the brainfreeze sucks. Next time I'm definitely opting for the smaller one. And I can't believe I didn't realize I was spilling it on myself during the movie! Stained through three layers of clothes. I wonder if slurpee stains are permanent....

I think I have an ulcer. Well let's be honest, it's probably because of ______. Can people cause ulcers? Because looking at my track record, I'm pretty sure it's proven fact. Nausea, loss of appetite, anxiety, and sharp pains in the stomach. Is that even normal? I don't think so....

I hate when people drive down the canyon with their brights on at night. I can drive up just fine without mine on. Hello?!?! I almost just hit you head-on because I couldn't even see straight! And I probably wouldn't even feel guilty about killing you, because you are an idiot. I wonder if I actually would feel guilty after I was dead....

I don't get on facebook all day and what do I come home to find? Three new friends in a relationship or engaged, and multiple comments on my overshare of a status. I really need to quit facebook, it's starting to get unhealthy....

A Bipolar Musical Biography

I have a serious disorder. No really, I'm not even making it up this time. And no, I'm not a hypochondriac. I rather prefer calling it 'being ahead of the learning curve when it comes to strange obscure mental health problems.' Anyways, my story begins way back in the good old days of high school, somewhere around my junior year. I heard the song Island in the Sun one day and thought "Hey, I like that song, who are these Weezer guys anyway? And what kind of name is that? Jeez" and decided I'd buy the green album as a result of this one very pop mainstream song. However, after listening through it only once, I deemed it was lame, packed it away in my closet, and decided Weezer wasn't worth the hype. Fast forward a year later to senior year and I'm starting to pack up my room for college. What do I find on the top shelf buried behind things but the long lost green album. So I decide to give it another try just for kicks and guess what? I loved it. Listened to it all summer long and have spent many years since collecting all Weezer's old stuff as well as buying their new albums (although I must say raditude was more than a disappointment). Nowadays the green album really isn't my taste, but I still love me some Weezer, especially blue. Anyways, not long after the Weezer incident I began to notice a pattern in my music tastes. Things I initially thought sounded stupid, I usually liked later. Just these past few weeks I had the exact same thing happen with a Jack's Mannequin CD I bought almost two years ago. Tossed in the back of my drawer after listening once and forgot about it, only to find it floating around in my car later, and now it's a favorite. Bottom line? I am musically bipolar. But on reconsidering this condition, I think a little bipolarity is necessary in most things. Spreading yourself across the whole board to get a feel for your boundaries, that's what it's all about. And it's the only way to live in my opinion. Maybe they should quit calling bipolarity a disorder. I mean who says something is a disorder anyway? If everybody has it then shouldn't it be the norm? Just a thought.

So, as a result of my musings over my musical bipolarity, I have been inspired to create a musical biography. I think if my life had a soundtrack, it'd probably sound something like all of these songs mashed together. Some happiness, some bitterness, some nostalgia, some regret, some self deprecation, some self-reflection, some confusion, some contentment and maybe just a little bit of hope. :)

"She puts on her make-up the same way she did yesterday. Hoping everything's the same. But everything has changed."

"Nothing seems to change. Let along you won't forget my name. Just don't lose what you know. When you're so far away."

"So little time. Try to understand that I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game. I try to stay awake and remember my name. But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same."

"You’re cursed by all ambitious thoughts. Is that all you’ve got? As for you, you spin a story like a spider spins a web. See that’s a metaphor, no wait, a simile. I’m still learning but I think I’m getting better."

"What's the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane? In a perfect situation, I led love down the drain."

"They chewed me up and then they spit me out. And I'm not supposed to let it bother me. But maybe I'm a little bit weak - I let my frailty take the wheel."

"I should know who I am by now. I walk the record stand somehow. Thinking of winter. The name is the splinter inside me."

"Gravity is working against me. And gravity wants to bring down."

"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up. And everybody does. It's so weird to be back here. And let me tell you what. The years go on and we're still fighting it."

"Stop and Stare. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared. But I've become what I can't be."

"Nobody said it would be easy. No one ever said it would be so hard. I'm going back to the start."


"Why don't you come right out and say it? Even if the words are probably gonna hurt, I'd rather have the truth than something insincere."

"I'll tie my handlebars to the stars so that I stay on track. And if my intentions stray I'll wrench them away. Then I'll take my leave and I won't even look back."

Oh the Cleverness of Me

The blogging world is going to be getting a little Elyse overdose for the next few weeks until I leave. When I don't have homework breathing down my neck, I begin to search for other creative outlets. Poor blogging world. Anyways, I think I'm starting to get a big head...ok let's be honest my ego has never really suffered all that much. I'm relatively functional at most things in life which obviously gives me license to think highly of myself. And whenever I encounter something I'm not at least passively acceptable at, I take to it until I improve just enough so as not to embarrass myself. So in the end I'm not really GOOD at anything, just adequate. Despite this, I have always taken pride in my knack for the English language. Because I am an English major, I claim some sort of superiority in being able to manipulate words. But alas, I am here to finally admit that this so called superiority is false. Lately, as I have read through old things I've written and pondered over all those stupid moments where it would have been more socially acceptable to insert my foot in my mouth rather than open it, I feel the need to proclaim to the world that I am not clever...especially with words. I am not extraordinary. I am not special. In fact, I am the epitome of mediocrity. It's like those times when you think you're having a really great day and then you pass by your reflection in the bathroom and think "Oh my gosh...is that what I really look like?!?!". Yeah, not such a pretty sight. But sometimes you need a slap in face to wake up. To remind you that you still have to comb your hair in the morning and brush your teeth, just like everyone else. So here's to "brushing my teeth" and coming to terms with the fact that I am not clever. I am just me. And that is okay.

Freedom!!!!!

Honestly, every time I think of that word, visions of Mel Gibson in a kilt on top of a grassy knoll with war paint on his face dance through my head. But once that gets through my system, I remember what freedom really means. Freedom means not letting the world get you down. I was thinking the other day of how concerned I've become with the opinions and judgments of those around me. I've been living the last few months feeling like I'm under a magnifying glass, and it has kind of been sucky. (By the way sucky happens to be in Merriam-Webster dictionary these days, and I like to think I had a hand in that addition thank you very much) Always doing things as if I was living out my life on the Truman Show with every moment broadcast on national television. But you know what I realized? The world doesn't really care. No one cares that much. And if they do care enough to form an opinion, why should I bother worrying about it? So what if I'm not perfect? So what if I like my shoes that have holes in them and actually enjoy doing my laundry every week? So what if I sing along to songs I don't know the words to and laugh at parts in the movie that no one else thinks are funny? I'm good with that, because even though I may be a little crazy and weird, at the end of the day I'm still me. Go ahead and think what you want, but as for me and my life? We're just fine.