Making a Mess
Today was one of those days where I found myself yet again thinking: why on earth does anyone even put up with me? If I wasn't me, I don't think I would do it. So bless all of you that do, I'm still trying to figure out why. Anyways, not much has been going on in the land of Elyse lately. Although I did find out a few days ago that my mom apparently reads my blog...still deciding how I feel about that one (by the way, hi mom!). Mission prep has, well, it's kind of stalled recently. Unless you call buying a new pair of church shoes mission prep. No I guess shoe shopping doesn't really count. However, I have continued my weekly temple trips and I LOVE THEM. I never thought I could find a place that would make me happier than disneyland (i really do think disneyland is the happiest place on earth...or the second happiest...don't judge). But I have! And I can go whenever I want, not to mention it's free. I love my life.
So yeah, that's pretty much it. Now I'm going to spill my guts a little, so let's hope I don't make a mess. Some days, thinking about the mission, I am completely sure of myself and what I'm doing. I get excited and jumpy and just want to pack my bags and leave tomorrow. I'll be honest though, some days I wake up and find my stomach has dropped somewhere into the ground as I contemplate all of the challenges that lie ahead. Paraylzing fear is a good description. I know it's normal to have these feelings, because I've sent about a dozen friends into the mission field and witnessed it firsthand, but it's different when you're standing there yourself. I think the biggest lesson I'm learning is just to trust in myself right now. It's funny how you go through different cycles of security in your life, but as of recently, I've totally lost confidence in my ability to make decisions. I am constantly second guessing myself. The hardest part is when my head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. I have never felt so torn in two in my life. But I know experiencing opposition has to be part of this process, because in the end I have to choose. I can't always depend on everyone else to decide for me. I know my mission will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I also know it will be one of the best things. I just wish I could cut myself open and bleed dry all of the doubts and fears until all I have left is conviction. But life is never that easy.