The State of Being

My new permanent state of being consists of cold and itchy. Spring is suppose to be this great time when everything blossoms, sun comes out, and everyone feels carefree. Instead, I am suffering through tedious finals, ridiculously cold weather, and allergies which may very well kill me. They should invent an IV drip of benadryl. Benadryl is an interesting thing. It creates this haze around everything and makes you feel as though there is a subhuman force pulling down your eyelids. Sleep is the only thing you want to do, and the drug makes you believe that if you just go to sleep, everything will be better later. What a great thing to be on during finals eh? Anyhow, after wednesday winter semester will finally have ended and maybe life can move on to more exciting things...like my second job...and paying for china. Oh wait, that's not exciting. What's exciting is the idea of no homework for four glorious months.

On a completely unrelated topic...I want to talk about a social convention just for a moment. The other day I was talking to a friend and we were discussing how she is often influenced by other people's opinions. Hypothetically speaking, let's say that she puts on an outfit she thinks is cute. She asks me what I think, and I the ever honest friend, tell her I think it looks ugly (in the nice way that girls always use like, "oh maybe not that shirt with those pants"). She then promptly goes back to her closet and spends a good half hour trying to find something else to wear. Why does she listen to me? Because she cares what I think. That's not the issue though,the issue is why does she care what I think? Why does anyone care what I or somebody else thinks? Opinions are subjective and imprecise. No one is right or wrong. So why does our society insist on turning us into insecure and obsessed scrutinizers? Who cares if I think the outfit is ugly, if you think it's cute then wear it! Who cares if someone thinks you are a nerd? SO WHAT! Who cares if they don't like you? IT DOESN'T MATTER. The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself, and if that's not good enough, then something is wrong. So, even though I myself am guilty of this absurd practice, I hope that maybe someday all of us will be able to move beyond worrying what other people think of us.

What I think, for what's it's worth

I think life would be a whole lot more simple if a person didn't have to care so much about things. Emotion is what makes the world complicated. If we could all be devoid of emotion, there would less problems in the world. Of course with that void, I suppose there wouldn't be any happiness either. Hm. At the end of the day, which do you feel more? The happiness or the anxiety, confusion, and hurt?

I hate when you can't escape from a weakness, and it follows you everywhere. No matter how hard you try to get over it and move on, it still plagues your life. Yet you know that without that weakness, there would be a part of you missing. It's a fault that becomes part of you...indistinguishable from the rest. And even though you wish it would go away sometimes, you really can't live without it.

I can't decide what to do. I hate that too. Today I just hate everything. How does a person choose amongst so many options? How do you know which one is right? It doesn't really matter what you want, it matters what you need most. So maybe I've just been asking myself the wrong questions. Maybe I need to focus on what would impact me most, not what I want. That simplifies things...especially since even I don't know what I want at this point. The only thing I want is for someone to make the decision for me. Wow, I need some sleep.

The Epiphany

Okay, well I better make this post quick because I'm falling asleep at the library computer, and if I start drooling that could get awkward. Anyways, I had an epiphany today and I had to share. I was working at my on call job tonight and had a random conversation with a co-worker on what I would call, 'deal-breakers' and 'life-savers'. By this, I mean things that would make me completely disregard dating someone, and things that would make me think of dating someone. After talking for a few minutes, I realized that I had alot more deal-breakers than life-savers in mind. Which makes sense, because I tend to look on the gloomy side of things. That happens to us realists. Anyways, that wasn't the important part. As both of us were going through what qualities these were, the epiphany hit. The most important life-saver of all qualities: someone who is willing to work through hard things. Friendships, relationships, and especially marriages are all hard work. You don't have good ones unless you work at it and are willing to give and take. While there are obviously other factors to consider, that may just be the biggest life-saver of all. So, next time I'm busy thinking about my own deal-breakers, maybe I should stop and consider whether or not I'm working towards my own life-saver: work hard and don't give up on things.