The Juicy Stuff

So I've decided to post here whenever I feel like my thoughts are too intense for the Jeru blog. I'm feeling another psychotic break coming on, and it may be better if people around here are left in the dark. Of course for all I know everyday is a psychotic break and I'm just having a normal day. Either way you look at it, I've got a reputation to uphold. I think that makes sense...yeah.

Anywho, the past few days have been pretty rough. I was getting minimal amounts of sleep and spending all day between class and play. Too much play and not enough sleep makes Elyse a not so happy camper. So I went to bed early and slept for 10 straight hours yesterday. Hopefully I've returned back to my former self. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. Here are the real issues.

1) I am going slightly crazy with this persona I've put on since I got here. It's...strange. It was fun for the first few weeks, but now I'm getting sick of being in my own skin. I want to go back to the old me. I think. There are things I've been better about, and then there are personality flaws I've let get way too public. Don't you just wish that you could take your whole personality and squeeze it into a little box sometimes? Put it on the shelf and just exist in a shell-like state for awhile?

2) This is really random, but it's kind of stressing me out. I have a fetish with pens. Actually, just one specific pen...called the Pilot EasyTouch. Every semester I buy a new set because they are literally the best pens ever. The problem is, I got a little to liberal before I left and bought a colored set to bring. Now I'm down to the last little bit of my black ink pen and I'll soon have to resort to the blue, green, red, and purple. Call me crazy, but I just can't study my notes as clearly if my ink isn't black. Like I said...psychotic break.

3) Today I missed the BYU campus for the first time in almost 2 months. I was walking back to my room and I heard some bells ringing and automatically waited for a chorus of Come Come Ye Saints to ring out. But alas, I was disappointed to hear some other tune. BYU really has become my home. What happens when I have to graduate and go into the real world? I mean I'm excited to be a real proficient adult someday, but what about the bells?

4) Digging a little deeper...I started pondering on how many times a day I do things just because other people are watching. When you start to think about it, just how much of your personality is a result of who you are around? If you were alone in the world, who would you be? I think this experience has forced me to face this question. Especially since I've become a different person here...well different and still the same. Who am I becoming, and is it something I want to be doing? And if it's not, how do you stop changing? Because I have no idea...

I just counted how many times I used the dot dot dot...that would make 7 times in one post. Wow. Judge me.

Confession Session

Dear old blog, oh how I've missed you. The Jeru blog has been good to me, but I miss the rawness of writing my so-called profundity. So here it goes. The last two days have convinced me (well really forced me to remember) that I have serious pride issues. I just think I'm so great at reading people, and to a certain degree I am, but I put way to much stock in what I first perceive. Especially when I just base it on observations and not on interaction. Unless you really sit down and talk to someone, plowing through that skim layer of what I like to call "saving face", you don't get to know the real person. The more I talk to people here, the more I realize that I have no idea who these people are until I ask them. Every person has their own story, trials, weaknesses, triumphs and heartaches. The point is that we've got to be there for eachother. So I'm turning over a new leaf, or at least attempting to. I'm throwing off the judgments and determining to dig deeper and find that real self.

Another lesson I'm learning whilst abroad, (again really just a reminder) is that the world is very very big, and I am very very small. How do we all get so wrapped up in our own little lives and forget this entire planet has got so much going on in it? Egypt really reminded me of Ecuador and some of the harsh living conditions that people endure. I remember wondering when I was younger why everyone thought the United States was great. Now I see how blessed we truly are. Then you start wondering why in the world you were born into the life you have and someone else was born in a third world country where they struggle for their lives each day. An attitude of gratitude should be a constant state of being for all of us. No matter what we're struggling with, it's nothing like what happens elsewhere.

Finally, I just have to say how much stronger my testimony of the Lord has grown since I've come here. Even though it's only been a month, I have become a completely different person. I'd like to say it's for the better, as we've previously discussed, my assessments aren't really on target these days. Every day I am struck by the blessings the Lord sees fit to give me. Then I realize just how undeserving I am. If I want to be truly grateful, I've got to get lost in something beyond myself. I know I learned this lesson back in Ecuador, but obviously I didn't remember it well enough because here I am being taught it again. That's okay though, because this time I'm taking it with me.