A Little Perspective
I've decided to have a new outlook on procrastination. From now on I'm considering it a talent. No one can procrastinate and then pull out all the stops at the end like I do. Ha! Take that. Hm. So, now I will proceed to blog about useless nothings instead of doing my homework. See how impressive my skills are? Anyways, today I was facebooking (yes that is a verb and no I am not pathetic) and suddenly realized that I have struck out. I've never been good at playing the game...but within the last year I've managed to miss every pitch. There was the high ball that I swung and missed, the curve ball that I barely managed to swing at as it passed me by, and then there was the pitch, slow and straight. True to form, I didn't swing, and now I'm the loser. (If you don't catch my drift, listen to Perfect Situation by Weezer) Yeah it kind of sucks, and yes sometimes it still hurts...like poking an infected wound. But at least I can say I tried. At least I can look back and say something for myself. So while I sit on the bench for awhile and contemplate how exactly to hit that home run, I'll remember that it's better to swing and miss, then to never have swung at all.
The Horizon of My Little World
Well, a few things to relate since my last blog. Wow, it's weird how fast your life can change in two quick weeks. First, my wonderful roommate is now engaged to the boy she's wanted to marry for quite some time. I am extremely excited for her...and yet sad that I won't ever get to share a bedroom and giggle all night with her again. Second, I finally quit my job at the bookstore and now work in the library again. It's amazing how much stress and pain that simple act has taken off my shoulders. Third, and most exciting (for me at least), is that I've officially been accepted to study at the Jerusalem Center in January. I was ecstatic when I got my letter yesterday. I skipped out of my spanish class just to stay home and read all of my packet info. Of course now the heavier things are starting to sink in as well. The $10,000 cost is definitely daunting...especially considering I haven't even made that much money working part-time this entire year. *shudder* But I don't care if I have to work for a million summers, it will be worth it. Another drawback of course is that I won't see my family or friends for 4 1/2 months. For some that's not a big deal, but I depend on mine alot...more than even I realize. Finally, there is the fact that Jerusalem is not a politcally or religiously settled place. Just a few months ago a man drove a bulldozer down a busy street of Israelis. Things are alot different there. But all of these changes are necessary. I've been feeling so stuck lately, and now I have my answer. I'm going somewhere else to learn something new. Broadening my horizons is always a good thing. Now I just have to find the patience to get through the next (less than!!) 4 months.
Fall is here...one week into school and already I'm sick of it and wishing it was over. Not a good sign. For some reason I am putting myself through the additional pain of looking for a new job. Not because I really need one, just because I "feel" like it. And probably because my mom told me I need to. I put way too much stock in what she tells me. I hate that. I hate that I go to her with every major decision of my life and base my actions on what she says. Yes I know we should listen to our parents and take their wisdom into consideration...but where do you draw the line? Sometimes it seems like she's in my head, that it doesn't really matter what I really want, because in the end I'll see it her way and do what she wants me to. What happen to that free agency I'm supposed to have? Gah! Stupid idiot me.I like to complain don't I? That's annoying. Let's relate something happy...um...wow...thinking...oh here's one. In exactly one month, 3 days, and 20 hours I will be rocking out to a weezer concert. Hang work, school, and responsibility...I'm going to go scream my lungs out to Troublemaker and The Greatest Man That Ever Lived. I feel good about that. On another unrelated tangent, I think I've decided that no matter what happens after this semester, I'm getting myself out of here. Out of this state, out of this country, and out of this presence of mind. And I'm doing it by myself. If I get in to Jerusalem, that will be great. If I don't...I'll just have to console myself with something else. But I really really really want Jerusalem. I haven't wanted something so bad since I was waiting to get accepted to BYU. Still can't seem to shake the practice of expecting the worse. Still a creature of habit I guess. But I will figure something out just like I always do. I've made it through this much, so the past is on my side. I just have to keep saying it to myself: I'm going to make it.One last thing...a note on assimilation and transculturization. They are interchangable, and neither can occur without the other. No matter where we go, the process of assimilating ourselves into a foreign environment will inevitably change the culture around us. Furthermore, assimilation is something that can never be completed because if we have to assimilate to something, we bring our own experiences and past to the table. Each individual's experiences are so unique that assimilation can never be complete. So even if you wanted to go somewhere and start new, start fresh...you never really could. You existed before and you will take that with you. We are confounded by our past and will never be able to find an existence away from it. That is reality my friends.