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It's funny how no matter how much you write, talk, yell, or think....there's always something more to be said. For the past few weeks now I've been feeling pretty lame, for lack of a better word. Despite all the so-called progress, growth, and plans, I am still going nowhere. It just seems like I keep running into that tall cement wall. No ladder, no rope, no help, nothing. Does anyone else get sick of themselves? Why can't I just get over all of the stupid stuff that holds me back? Meh, it is too useless to think about.
It's funny how when you go back to a place you haven't been for awhile, you notice every little thing that has changed, but for anyone who's been there all along, they hardly see the difference. Maybe it's that way with ourselves. We can't really see how we're changing, but everyone else can. That's why I always want to leave, because I can't see anything when I'm in it. For better or worse, I want to see the reality of things. I've always avoided that optimistic route, just because it would be too much of a disappointment. But here's the reality: you hope for it either way, and you're disappointed just the same if it doesn't happen. So why not go ahead and live in the land of hope? At least things are little brighter over on that side of the fence. Well...easier said than done.
It's funny how the more you put something off, the harder it becomes to do it. I had an interesting experience a few weeks ago where I knew I had to do something. I didn't want to, in fact it made me physically ill to think about it, but the longer I waited, the worse the idea got. I couldn't focus on anything but that one thing. So it doesn't matter how long you put off, because it's still consuming you even when you think it's not. I did it finally, but it certainly did not pan out the way I had hoped. Maybe it would've turned out differently if I hadn't waitied. Maybe it wouldn't have. But that's too many maybes. Moral of the story: procrastinating hurts....and I am an idiot.