A Little Perspective...

Indecisive Me

2012-02-01T15:21:00.003-07:00

I've come to a decision....about a decision. I have to decide what I'm doing with my future. Every day I'm trudging along trying to imagine what I want to do with my life, and it is driving me insane. It also doesn't help that there are deadlines for most of the options I'm considering within the next week. Pressure. So here's what I'm going to do: make a plan, then make up a back up plan, and then a back up plan for the back up plan....so in the end, something's bound to work out. Right? Yeah, right. So lets just sort out the options shall we?

#1 Stay in Provo through the summer, work for the library and efy, graduate in August, and be a jobless college grad

#1a After graduation apply to BYU-I or U of U for nursing

#1b After graduation apply to teach English in China for the fall

#2 Quickly apply for graduation in June, apply for TeachforAmerica, and sign away my life for two years to go teach underprivileged students anywhere in the U.S.

#3 Postpone graduation until December, apply for the London Center Study Abroad, and work at the library until I leave for London

Suggestions, anyone? Pretty much they all sound good to me, which is why I'm having such indecisive issues. Why can't other people just plan my life out for me? Sigh.

Caution: Bad Life Driver Ahead

2012-01-26T17:03:00.003-07:00

I don't know if it's still the whole post-mission adjustment or what, but I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I'm not quite sure how to steer it right again. Life should not be that complicated! I'm only juggling school and work right now, and I'm already grasping at the straws of insanity. I swear this wasn't how I've lived the previous years of college life. I remember LIKING classes and homework sometimes, and having sufficient time to work and play. Now I don't have enough time for anything. Lame. I don't even have time to sit on blogspot and muse on what unintelligent themes I can expand for the world to consider. Double lame. And did I mention I like to try and watch my rearview mirror and wonder whether or not I should've passed some of those stops back there? Triple lame. Maybe someday normal life will come into focus again. Until then, I guess I'm stuck with my hands taped to the wheel while my vision goes fuzzy.

Going Nowhere Fast

2012-01-20T17:26:00.002-07:00

Guess what? I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I have officially been home from my mission for a month now, and I think I've digressed. I finally decided I'm tired of being the perpetual student and changed my major to graduate in August. What I didn't think about when I did that was that I'm going to have to be a grown up and make some bigger decisions now. I will now soon join the ranks of all those college grads who are a nuisance to society as they have no jobs and frequently move back home. However, that is one ultimatum I will not stoop to...moving back home. My sanity would be in jeopardy. Ok let's not get ahead of ourselves. I don't really know that I'll graduate without a job just yet. There's still plenty of un-snooped network connections to hit up first. But I just feel lame when I say I'm graduating and then people ask me what I'm going to do after....can you hear the crickets? Nothing. I've got nothing. Maybe I should just go to China. No really, that's been an option before. Or pick up everything and move to a new state? Apply to grad school? Try and get a corporate job editing or something? I don't know!!! It hurts my poor head. All I know is...I'm going nowhere fast.

The Great Contradiction

2012-01-10T10:12:00.002-07:00

Soooo, life. I know, how very...wow...I can't even think of the word. Eloquent? No. Dang. I think the mission made me stupider. I have never felt so incapable of carrying on an intelligible conversation in my life. All of the wonderfully descriptive and poignant words I've a college career learning seem to have been erased in order to make room for a new language in my head. And now I'm only making it worse as I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and learn French while I was at it. Goodbye vocabulary.

Anyways, not the point. Already deviating. Pathetic. The point is, I decided I wanted to write about the great contradiction that comes from being a returned missionary. Weird. I never thought I'd be referring to myself as that. Ever. Oh well, it is what it is. So let's get on with it then. First, I loved being a missionary. It was the hardest, craziest, saddest, and happiest year and a half of my life. Only someone who's been there actually knows what I'm talking about. You can't describe it, just live it. Well, I have to tell you a secret about being a returned missionary. I was dreading the life even before I left for the mission. I'd heard so many awful stories about people who came home and just didn't know how to live real life again. I imagined that would be my fate. But when I got home...life was pretty much the same. I went back to the same crazy family, same house, same friends, same university classes, and the same dull library job. It's like the world hardly skipped a beat and that year and a half of my life just fell into some abstract oblivion. Sometimes I find myself thinking it really didn't happen. So now I'm stuck somewhere in between I guess. I feel so different than I was before, but no one really understands. Coming back to the "real world" was way too easy and now I feel like I'm going to wake up any day now on my paper thin wiry mattress in the sweaty tropics of the DR with bachata music ringing in my ears. How do you fit yourself back into the mold of an old life that you've outgrown?

How to Hide a Hicky

2012-01-06T16:59:00.003-07:00

I have to admit, as soon as this experience happened I thought to myself, "That's a blog post waiting to happen!" Haha. So yesterday my roommate and I decided to go visit a guy friend. Seeing as we were already driving around and he needed a lift home, we decided to help him out. So we go to pick him up and he's got a scarf on. Now I just have to interject here that I've always judged men in scarfs. Scarfs are a girl thing. Call me sexist or old fashioned or whatever. But straight men in scarfs is super unmanly. Well I pretty much told our friend as much as he hopped in the car. He used the lame-o excuse that it was cold outside (which it was), and I decided to put my judgmental thoughts away for the moment. So once we took him home we decided to go in and visit for awhile. Bad news for him. His scarf loosened in transit and as we arrived I saw a rather purplish mark on his neck. Without pretense, I ripped the scarf off and said pointedly "What is THAT?!?!" Then of course he proceeded to turn five shades of red. Hahaha. We laughed about it and cracked hicky jokes for the next 2 hours. It was pretty much the best moment of my life since coming home from the mission. So I've decided to give all you hicky hiders out there some advice: just say no to the scarf. Find some seriously potent cover-up next time. Or...just don't get hickies!

Special People...

2012-01-05T16:53:00.002-07:00

Sorry I've just got to vent a little right now. What on earth is wrong with people who have to talk like 10 decimals higher than the average person while they're having a phone conversation? Do you not understand the function of a cell phone? It's so they can hear you like you're RIGHT THERE! No, I actually have NO interest in hearing about your ridiculous life. So please tone it down or buy a hearing aid!

I'm Baaaaack

2011-12-26T10:49:00.002-07:00

Wow. I MISSED the blog. I just spent the last half hour reading old posts and I must say, I'm pretty entertaining...even if only to myself. Haha. But anyways, I have returned from the Caribbean, and while it was an experience to remember, it wasn't quite like Pirates. The hard part now is trying to assimilate myself back into the normal world. Somedays it's easy, other days it's depressing, and sometimes it just plain hurts. So many things have changed, and yet stayed the same. But the biggest fear I had in leaving is now the harshest reality. I have to force myself to quit looking back though. Just keep moving the feet, one in front of the other.

Happy 100th and Goodbye!

2010-07-14T01:07:00.006-06:00

So I've been putting off my final blog for awhile because I wanted to have some epic last words before I left seeing as how this is my 100th post...but time got away from me and now you're stuck getting whatever nonsense is left in my head after days of shopping and hours of packing. So it goes. Hahaha. I think I'm funny sometimes. Or maybe that's the caffeine talking.

Anyways, I wish I could sit and write down all the diverse ways different people have helped (or in some cases hindered :-) me get to this point in my life. But of all the things that prompted me to serve a mission, perhaps the biggest factor was how grateful I am for all the ways my life has been blessed by friends and family. I would be nowhere today without them, and the reason I have them in my life is because the Lord, for some crazy reason, saw fit to bless me with them. I am inspired by their examples of selfless love and service, and I want them to know that they have helped me gain this testimony.

I know now, more than ever before, that I am a child of my Heavenly Father who loves me. I know that Jesus Christ is the only Savior, and that through him we can be redeemed and brought back to the presence of our Heavenly Father. His love manifests itself daily to me through the kind actions of others, and I feel its' sustaining power constantly. He is the Christ, and every one of us needs Him. I know the Book of Mormon is the true word of God that testifies of our Savior and brings us closer to Him as we study it. I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God who restored the gospel to this earth. I also know that the priesthood is the true power of the Lord, and I have witnessed that power countless times. Thomas S. Monson is a true and living prophet today who leads and guides this church. I don't think these things are true, I don't just hope they are true, I know they are true. I am so grateful for this knowledge, and I cannot wait to go out and share my testimony of it with the people of the Dominican Republic. So farewell for 18 months!

http://www.blogger.com/www.hermanabradleyinthedr.blogspot.com

Of the Day

2010-07-06T13:57:00.005-06:00

Random pet peeve of the day: Pedestrians who walk as slow as humanly possible in a crosswalk when a car is clearly waiting for them to get out of the way. I mean really? Really!? Just because you're in a crosswalk and have the right of way, doesn't give you license to take an eternity. I will never get those precious minutes of my life back.

Random thing of the day I'm going to miss: Drinking ice cold dr. pepper. In general I'm not a big fan of soda and I am fully aware that its likely rotting my insides with every sip, but few things in life make me feel better than dr. pepper. My dad informed me today that he's so relieved to find out I am not immune to all weaknesses of the flesh. Haha oh what my dad doesn't know can't hurt him.

Random flaw of the day I can't stand: Not being able to stop doing something that is absolutely no good for me. I've never been really addicted to anything before, so I always misunderstood people who had addictions. But I get it now. And it sucks. Karma always has a way of catching up with you huh?

Gum On Your Shoe

2010-07-01T10:15:00.004-06:00

This is going to be another one of those pointless posts, just to give you fair warning...

Lately I feel as though all original thought has ceased to exist in my poor abused little brain. I'm starting to wonder if it's even still working up there. The same stupid things keep pestering my conscience and I am starting to wish that there was a hibernate button for my head. I'm leaving in approximately 13 days and I think it's finally starting to sink in because I find myself musing over all the things and people I'll have to live without for the next 18 months. The *things* are fairly insignificant and I know those will all be here when I get back, but the people are a little bit harder. All my life, I have found that I attach myself to people. Once I find friends that I like, I stick to them like gum on a shoe. I'm annoying and uncomfortable, sometimes hurting your foot when you walk really fast and feel that small lump on the sole, and you can't really get rid of me unless you scrape me off with a razor blade. However, now that I'm leaving everything I know, I find that I'm a little scared. Not enough to stop me, because this mission is like a force of nature, it IS happening. But the idea that people I care about will be moving on and away makes me really sad. I can't stick to them if I'm not here. The problem is I keep focusing on what I'm leaving instead of what I'm going to. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm going on to meet new people, climb greater heights, and do a whole lot more of good. So forward and onward, no more glancing back.

A Holy Day

2010-06-24T22:08:00.003-06:00

I knew today was going to be a good day when I left to work and realized that the shirt I was wearing had approximately four different holes in it. Ok so they weren't big holes, but holes nonetheless, and when you're wearing a brightly colored undershirt...it tends to stand out. So of course I had to put a hoodie on over it since that's the only thing I had in my car, even though it was a scorching 95 degrees outside today. Luckily, the dungeon of special collections tends to be a bit chilly so I didn't die of heat stroke. Moral of the story? Next time you're sifting through your clothes trying to decide what needs to take a trip to D.I., make sure the ones with multiple holes get thrown in there so you don't get charged for indecent exposure in public.

Packing and Goodbyes

2010-06-22T23:41:00.003-06:00

So I've been home for the last few days entertaining myself with activities like going to the drive-in, watching zoolander, eating cafe rio, and basking in sunshine with some of my favorite people. Life is good. However, as much as it pains me to say it, I kind of miss Provo. I'm going back in the morning, so the feeling will be short-lived, but I am ashamed to admit it nonetheless. Provo really has become my home. Another sad realization of my life.

Anywho, while recovering from efy, I have managed to successfully procrastinate packing, which is part of why I came home in the first place. Packing is one of those things in life that no one ever really does until they absolutely have to. I keep telling myself I have to because I'm working for the next three weeks and then I leave, but that doesn't seem to make my bins magically organize themselves. If I pack, then reality has to hit and then I'll have to start saying goodbye. In case you didn't know, saying goodbye is probably my least favorite thing in the entire world. I don't enjoy making an emotional spectacle of myself, and I usually do when it comes to goodbyes. So I'll probably just keep procrastinating that packing until I trick myself into thinking I'm emotionally stable enough to face the reality that I'm actually leaving.

Just Call Me Stalker

2010-06-17T16:47:00.002-06:00

So I've found that on the weeks where I disappear to EFY land, I tend to blog and facebook stalk more intently than at other time in my life. I wouldn't neccesarily call myself an internet addict, especially on a normal week when I have better things to be doing like reading books and soaking up sunshine. However, it seems to be a pattern that when I'm forced to spend almost every waking moment with large groups of youth, I flee to facebook and blogspot. Now don't get me wrong, I love my job as a counselor and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but just for a few minutes a day, I wish to immerse myself in something that is above the average teenage intellect. So even though I haven't been making comments on anything, fellow bloggers and facebookers, know that you are my salvation and my sanity. Bless you for providing something to entertain me with so I don't fall too far down the rabbit hole of EFY.

Tired, Sick, Sore, and Going Back for More

2010-06-13T11:57:00.004-06:00

So my first session of EFY has officially concluded. After sleeping in an unimaginably hot bedroom the first night without a pillow, waking up at 5:30am every morning to take girls jogging, injuring my foot and limping for the majority of the week, being sarcastically insulted at least once a day by my participants, and many many other great moments, I find that I still want to go back and do it all over again. In fact, they offered me another week, so I will be! Lucky me. Honestly though, all sarcasm aside, it was a fantastic week. My group of youth were incredible and I really will miss them. I think they taught me more than I could ever have hoped to teach them. But that's the beauty of the gospel, everyone teaching each other. And I cannot wait to go on my mission and experience it every single day! Anyways, as with tradition, I must share some of the greater moments from my week with Be Invigorated, so here they are...

Sitting down on the grass next to the very dry witted Mike and unknowingly leaning back on his hand. He then exclaims, "Whoa Elyse! What are you trying to do? Hold my hand? Are you trying to get FRESH with me?!?!"

Waiting in the very long line at the cannon center with Heather for some orange chicken, only to be given a plate with what we liked to call 'prison rations'. So I rather sarcastically say "I waited in line for THIS?!?!" To which the poor cannon center worker apologetically replied "I'm sorry!!! Did you want more??" Of course I took more. And I know I am a terrible person and a bad example. But hey, squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Staying late at the dance after all the boy participants were sent back to their rooms. After being falsely led to believe all the girls were in trouble, the DJ and leaders proceeded to play the Hoedown Throwdown. Seeing a room full of girls dancing to Hannah Montana was the perfect way to end the day.

Watching my youth devise a company cheer that centered around the participant in our group who wore a black cape...every single day. I kid you not, Mason and his cape were the biggest sensation of the session. Awesome.

Trying to roast starbursts on pizza night with my girls by throwing them up into the lamp overhang. And then having an ugly face contest which I hands down won. Check facebook for photographic documentation soon.

Overall, a very successful week.

Going To My Happy Place

2010-06-04T22:51:00.003-06:00

Today was kind of a crappy day. Details are unnecessary, but suffice it to say it was bleh for a number of reasons. So what did I do? Go to Barnes and Noble, buy two more books (sidenote: i just started poisonwood bible by barbara kingsolver and it is phenomenal) that I really don't have time to read, and got myself a dr. pepper/cherry slurpee. That alone can redeem almost any kind of day.

Whilst perusing the bookshelves, I realized I have a serious addiction. And along with this addiction comes a great paradox in my life. I work in a library. I love being surrounded by books. And I think the library is a wonderful and vastly under-appreciated place. However, outside of school, the library cannot serve my needs. I have tried in vain over the past few months to check out books for recreational reading...and failed miserably. And the one time I successfully finished a library book, I was very disappointed I had done so. I know this seems illogical, but I have my reasons. The main one being that I hate reading a book that I don't own. I can't underline my favorite lines or pull it out and re-read a key passage weeks later. And when the time comes for me to recommend it to someone else, I don't have a copy to lend. Aside from these clearly legitimate excuses, one of my lifelong dreams is to open a used bookstore. So I might as well start my collection now right? It's an investment for the future... at least that's what I tell myself when I get to the register and cringe as I swipe my card.

So, I will now go to my happy place where books can be underlined to my heart's content.

Overshare

2010-06-02T00:04:00.002-06:00

I'm starting to think my blog in general is turning into one giant overshare. You know it's bad when your mom calls you up and says "I read your blog, it sounds like you're having a meltdown. What's going on?" Sometimes I say things on here that I have absolutely no desire to talk about out loud, that's why I'm typing it. I feel like it violates some unwritten law of the universe when someone brings it up. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that anyone reads the absurd ramblings from my head at all, but I somehow convince myself that everything I blog about is anonymous...or that no one is really reading it...so it kind of freaks me out when I realize people actually read it. Does that make sense? Probably not. I rarely make logical sense these days. Anyways, the point is, well I don't know what the point is. Maybe just to say that when your blog starts turning into an overshare, it's like you're in one of those dreams where you go to school in nothing but your underwear and everyone is just staring at you as you desperately try to find something to hide behind. But there's never anything to hide behind. Just you and your underwear.

Dear Life,

2010-05-30T02:38:00.005-06:00

Could you please stop throwing me curved balls and hitting me in the head until I fall flat on my face and can't even see straight? It would really help me out if you could simplify things and just let me focus on one tiny little thing for any given period of time. But you are a demanding master, and you never let my poor head have a rest. In fact you've been so greedy lately that you've asked for my heart, and I really don't appreciate it at all. Is it not enough that you require all my mental capacities? (although they're not much to boast of I know) Must you drag my heart through the mud and make me question everything I thought I knew? I suppose it's about time you humbled me again, because I have grown rather confident as of late. But as of right now, I would like you to know, I've decided I know absolutely nothing at all.
Love,
Elyse

Making a Mess

2010-05-27T20:27:00.002-06:00

Today was one of those days where I found myself yet again thinking: why on earth does anyone even put up with me? If I wasn't me, I don't think I would do it. So bless all of you that do, I'm still trying to figure out why. Anyways, not much has been going on in the land of Elyse lately. Although I did find out a few days ago that my mom apparently reads my blog...still deciding how I feel about that one (by the way, hi mom!). Mission prep has, well, it's kind of stalled recently. Unless you call buying a new pair of church shoes mission prep. No I guess shoe shopping doesn't really count. However, I have continued my weekly temple trips and I LOVE THEM. I never thought I could find a place that would make me happier than disneyland (i really do think disneyland is the happiest place on earth...or the second happiest...don't judge). But I have! And I can go whenever I want, not to mention it's free. I love my life.

So yeah, that's pretty much it. Now I'm going to spill my guts a little, so let's hope I don't make a mess. Some days, thinking about the mission, I am completely sure of myself and what I'm doing. I get excited and jumpy and just want to pack my bags and leave tomorrow. I'll be honest though, some days I wake up and find my stomach has dropped somewhere into the ground as I contemplate all of the challenges that lie ahead. Paraylzing fear is a good description. I know it's normal to have these feelings, because I've sent about a dozen friends into the mission field and witnessed it firsthand, but it's different when you're standing there yourself. I think the biggest lesson I'm learning is just to trust in myself right now. It's funny how you go through different cycles of security in your life, but as of recently, I've totally lost confidence in my ability to make decisions. I am constantly second guessing myself. The hardest part is when my head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. I have never felt so torn in two in my life. But I know experiencing opposition has to be part of this process, because in the end I have to choose. I can't always depend on everyone else to decide for me. I know my mission will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I also know it will be one of the best things. I just wish I could cut myself open and bleed dry all of the doubts and fears until all I have left is conviction. But life is never that easy.

Highlights of the Week

2010-05-22T22:16:00.001-06:00

Thinking so distractedly that I walked into the men's bathroom of the student center and stood there for a full 5 seconds with the door open before carefully backing out again and sweeping the hallways to gauge my public humiliation. Then proceeding to laugh myself all the way to the correct gender bathroom.

Running around in the basement so carelessly that I neglected to see the very pointy edge of the glass coffee table right before it embedded itself into my right knee socket. I will probably never regain complete functioning of my poor limb again.

Staying awake until 1:30am just to validate my suspicions that there is in fact a mouse living in my bedroom. Those little beady eyes and quick feet weren't fast enough to escape my notice! Now, as long as he understands he can't share my bed, we can at least be friends.

Trying to remain sane at work only to be rescued by helping a patron who decided to curiously prance around in her hot pink rain boots before I was able to find what she needed. Gotta love those free sprits.

Discovering urbandictionary.com and especially the definition of the phrase 'no dice'. Bless the internet and all it's random glory.

Walking past the bowling alley only to hear the words “Might solve a mystery, or re-write history…Ducktales a whoo hoo!” blasting over the radio. Ah the sweet nostalgia of childhood.

Going D.I. hopping with Suzie and in a moment of stupidity calling it an 'umpire waist' (what the heck? i don't even LIKE baseball!) only to have her almost laugh me out of the store. I swear I knew it was called 'empire waist'...at least I thought I did...

Bowling my highest score ever and beating everyone in attendance. Although, they shall remain nameless for their own vanity's sake. Let's just say 'losing' was deemed gentlemanly since some people are embarrassed to be out-bowled by a girl.

Again embarrassing myself by mispronounciation. This time with the word puree. Maybe I should quit telling people I'm an English major, it's starting to get pathetic.

Basically, yet another spectacular week from the awesomeness known as my life.

Only In Dreams

2010-05-20T23:00:00.000-06:00

Am I the only one who has random people pop up in their dreams constantly? People that are the farthest (at least I thought?) away from my conscious thought and yet still seem to run through my dreams like broken records. It makes me want to just march up to them in real life and say "Excuse me, but would you mind NOT intruding into my subconscious thought? It makes me feel kind of creepy and I have much better things to be dreaming about other than you. Thank you very much." I know this would only merit a suggested trip to the special hospital with padded walls, but sometimes I wish things like this were more socially acceptable. Stupid Freud.

Pants on Fire

2010-05-16T15:00:00.001-06:00

Have you ever started saying words only to realize the moment they left your mouth they were a lie? But you hadn't really known it was a lie until just then? In your head, it was logical and and sane and true, but saying it out loud somehow changed it.It is what it is though, one giant lie in all its' false glory. You can't take it back, you can't undo it, and you can't wish it away. Instead it just sits there, eating away at your insides until there's nothing left but a black hole that is ready to suck away all the silly untrue thoughts that seemed so reasonable in your head. That is what a true lie is my friends. And it stinks.

Welcome to Wonderland

2010-05-14T00:03:00.006-06:00

So I'm going to try something a little different today. It probably has something to do with the fact that I drank a giant dr. pepper slurpee tonight, not to mention the dr. pepper I drank with dinner, and am now so hyped on caffeine I will likely get little sleep. But this is beside the point. I decided to do a little stream of conscious narrative of my day...of the things I can remember at least. So just to give you fair warning, this is what it is like in the head of Elyse. Scared yet? You should be...

Who is texting me this early in the morning? I mean I know it's almost 9am, but still. Oh it's okay. It's just ______. What a good friend to check up on me. I have such awesome friends. But I'm going back to sleep now. I'll text her back when I'm actually awake....

Seriously? My costco card is expired? After I just spent the last 30 minutes driving out of my way to buy the cheaper gas? Gah! This day already stinks. What is that lady in front of me looking at? Yeah I'm mad, but it's not like I was about to go serial killer. Maybe I really did look that mad. Meh. Now I have to go buy gas from stupid Chevron for like 15 cents more per gallon. Jeez....

Would it be too rude to just tell her that her stupid jangling bracelet is giving me a migraine? I think I'm going to start tearing my hair out if I have to listen to this for the next month. Is it really worth it though? Maybe I'll just go get my ipod. Nope, that won't cover it up. You know it kind of reminds me of that one scripture about how worldly women wear tinkling jewelry. I wonder what she'd do if I told her that haha. Offended? Hmm....

Probably should start home soon. I wonder what would happen if I just kept driving on and on right past my turn. I have a full tank of gas. I could probably make it a ways, at least out of Utah. Tempting, very tempting....

Ugh, I definitely shouldn't have sucked down that super sized slurpee. Not to mention the brainfreeze sucks. Next time I'm definitely opting for the smaller one. And I can't believe I didn't realize I was spilling it on myself during the movie! Stained through three layers of clothes. I wonder if slurpee stains are permanent....

I think I have an ulcer. Well let's be honest, it's probably because of ______. Can people cause ulcers? Because looking at my track record, I'm pretty sure it's proven fact. Nausea, loss of appetite, anxiety, and sharp pains in the stomach. Is that even normal? I don't think so....

I hate when people drive down the canyon with their brights on at night. I can drive up just fine without mine on. Hello?!?! I almost just hit you head-on because I couldn't even see straight! And I probably wouldn't even feel guilty about killing you, because you are an idiot. I wonder if I actually would feel guilty after I was dead....

I don't get on facebook all day and what do I come home to find? Three new friends in a relationship or engaged, and multiple comments on my overshare of a status. I really need to quit facebook, it's starting to get unhealthy....

A Bipolar Musical Biography

2010-05-08T00:51:00.001-06:00

I have a serious disorder. No really, I'm not even making it up this time. And no, I'm not a hypochondriac. I rather prefer calling it 'being ahead of the learning curve when it comes to strange obscure mental health problems.' Anyways, my story begins way back in the good old days of high school, somewhere around my junior year. I heard the song Island in the Sun one day and thought "Hey, I like that song, who are these Weezer guys anyway? And what kind of name is that? Jeez" and decided I'd buy the green album as a result of this one very pop mainstream song. However, after listening through it only once, I deemed it was lame, packed it away in my closet, and decided Weezer wasn't worth the hype. Fast forward a year later to senior year and I'm starting to pack up my room for college. What do I find on the top shelf buried behind things but the long lost green album. So I decide to give it another try just for kicks and guess what? I loved it. Listened to it all summer long and have spent many years since collecting all Weezer's old stuff as well as buying their new albums (although I must say raditude was more than a disappointment). Nowadays the green album really isn't my taste, but I still love me some Weezer, especially blue. Anyways, not long after the Weezer incident I began to notice a pattern in my music tastes. Things I initially thought sounded stupid, I usually liked later. Just these past few weeks I had the exact same thing happen with a Jack's Mannequin CD I bought almost two years ago. Tossed in the back of my drawer after listening once and forgot about it, only to find it floating around in my car later, and now it's a favorite. Bottom line? I am musically bipolar. But on reconsidering this condition, I think a little bipolarity is necessary in most things. Spreading yourself across the whole board to get a feel for your boundaries, that's what it's all about. And it's the only way to live in my opinion. Maybe they should quit calling bipolarity a disorder. I mean who says something is a disorder anyway? If everybody has it then shouldn't it be the norm? Just a thought.

So, as a result of my musings over my musical bipolarity, I have been inspired to create a musical biography. I think if my life had a soundtrack, it'd probably sound something like all of these songs mashed together. Some happiness, some bitterness, some nostalgia, some regret, some self deprecation, some self-reflection, some confusion, some contentment and maybe just a little bit of hope. :)

"She puts on her make-up the same way she did yesterday. Hoping everything's the same. But everything has changed."

"Nothing seems to change. Let along you won't forget my name. Just don't lose what you know. When you're so far away."

"So little time. Try to understand that I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game. I try to stay awake and remember my name. But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same."

"You’re cursed by all ambitious thoughts. Is that all you’ve got? As for you, you spin a story like a spider spins a web. See that’s a metaphor, no wait, a simile. I’m still learning but I think I’m getting better."

"What's the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane? In a perfect situation, I led love down the drain."

"They chewed me up and then they spit me out. And I'm not supposed to let it bother me. But maybe I'm a little bit weak - I let my frailty take the wheel."

"I should know who I am by now. I walk the record stand somehow. Thinking of winter. The name is the splinter inside me."

"Gravity is working against me. And gravity wants to bring down."

"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up. And everybody does. It's so weird to be back here. And let me tell you what. The years go on and we're still fighting it."

"Stop and Stare. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared. But I've become what I can't be."

"Nobody said it would be easy. No one ever said it would be so hard. I'm going back to the start."

"Why don't you come right out and say it? Even if the words are probably gonna hurt, I'd rather have the truth than something insincere."

"I'll tie my handlebars to the stars so that I stay on track. And if my intentions stray I'll wrench them away. Then I'll take my leave and I won't even look back."

Oh the Cleverness of Me

2010-05-04T17:06:00.001-06:00

The blogging world is going to be getting a little Elyse overdose for the next few weeks until I leave. When I don't have homework breathing down my neck, I begin to search for other creative outlets. Poor blogging world. Anyways, I think I'm starting to get a big head...ok let's be honest my ego has never really suffered all that much. I'm relatively functional at most things in life which obviously gives me license to think highly of myself. And whenever I encounter something I'm not at least passively acceptable at, I take to it until I improve just enough so as not to embarrass myself. So in the end I'm not really GOOD at anything, just adequate. Despite this, I have always taken pride in my knack for the English language. Because I am an English major, I claim some sort of superiority in being able to manipulate words. But alas, I am here to finally admit that this so called superiority is false. Lately, as I have read through old things I've written and pondered over all those stupid moments where it would have been more socially acceptable to insert my foot in my mouth rather than open it, I feel the need to proclaim to the world that I am not clever...especially with words. I am not extraordinary. I am not special. In fact, I am the epitome of mediocrity. It's like those times when you think you're having a really great day and then you pass by your reflection in the bathroom and think "Oh my gosh...is that what I really look like?!?!". Yeah, not such a pretty sight. But sometimes you need a slap in face to wake up. To remind you that you still have to comb your hair in the morning and brush your teeth, just like everyone else. So here's to "brushing my teeth" and coming to terms with the fact that I am not clever. I am just me. And that is okay.

Freedom!!!!!

2010-05-01T17:01:00.001-06:00

Honestly, every time I think of that word, visions of Mel Gibson in a kilt on top of a grassy knoll with war paint on his face dance through my head. But once that gets through my system, I remember what freedom really means. Freedom means not letting the world get you down. I was thinking the other day of how concerned I've become with the opinions and judgments of those around me. I've been living the last few months feeling like I'm under a magnifying glass, and it has kind of been sucky. (By the way sucky happens to be in Merriam-Webster dictionary these days, and I like to think I had a hand in that addition thank you very much) Always doing things as if I was living out my life on the Truman Show with every moment broadcast on national television. But you know what I realized? The world doesn't really care. No one cares that much. And if they do care enough to form an opinion, why should I bother worrying about it? So what if I'm not perfect? So what if I like my shoes that have holes in them and actually enjoy doing my laundry every week? So what if I sing along to songs I don't know the words to and laugh at parts in the movie that no one else thinks are funny? I'm good with that, because even though I may be a little crazy and weird, at the end of the day I'm still me. Go ahead and think what you want, but as for me and my life? We're just fine.

Living the Dream

2010-04-27T23:16:00.004-06:00

Today, right now, I am living in the dream. Let me just tell you why....

I am living in a cabin at sundance with one of my awesome friends
No homework in sight for at least the next year and a half
There is a spring storm brewing right outside my window
I get to read whatever books I want for 2 whole months
The majority of my days are spent at a job that I don't hate
A car at my disposal until I leave for the mish
Weekly emails from my favorite person in the world
Two weeks (so far) that I get to work EFY
Hanging out with all of my seriously amazing friends everday
And I will serve a mission in the Dominican Republic in 77 days

WHAT MORE COULD A GIRL WANT? LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!!

Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

2010-04-21T23:53:00.000-06:00

Ever since I was young, I have had this cliche phrase repeated to me over and over again. I have generally accepted it as truth, and therefore live my life by the mantra that being honest with people is simply the best thing to do. But lately I've begun to question this "truth", and I find my code of ethics being called into question. For starters, I've recently taken to pranking my friends over the past 8 months and found myself staring people in the face and straight up lying. The first time I did it I thought I would be struck dumb, and I could feel my insides twisting in revulsion. But the more you lie, the less you feel it. And I'll be honest, the pranks were definitely fun and entertaining. Secondly, I have found that my sometimes brutal honesty has given offense to some. I was recently asked by a friend how he could, and I quote "get girls to like him." Oh brother, if only I had the nerve to tell him the whole truth. But I did proceed to tell him what girls like in general, and his current behavior was a little less than adequate. Of course no one likes to hear their flaws, and I've noticed a little frost in the friendship as of late because hey, the truth hurts. So now I'm left wondering if my personal mantra has led me astray all these years... Maybe lying can be fun, entertaining, and even less hurtful?

The Wingman

2010-04-18T21:31:00.006-06:00

For those of you who know me well, you are painfully aware of my complete inability to flirt, smooth-talk, or even articulate around men I am attracted to. Honestly, I think it's some kind of disease that the world should be more aware of. In my case, I'm fairly certain it's terminal. Anyways, this random tangent is not the point of my post. The topic of this evening: the vital role of a wingman. If you've ever seen Top Gun, you know how important Goose is. Without Goose, Maverick would be nothing. Well in the world of dating, I happen to be Goose. Goose and I have alot in common...well except for the mustache...and his wicked fighter jet flying skills. Ok so we're not that alike, but Goose is the wingman. He helps Maverick look good. So in my world, I view every roommate's love interest as a legitimate mission. Once I find out the target, I zero in, drag my roommate with me, and strike up casual conversations. Ideally, the conversation leads to an opportunity where I can suggest an activity that will prolong the interaction and therefore lay groundwork for possible hanging-out potential. Then my work is done and it is in the hands of fate. This is an excellent power, is it not? Sadly, such manipulative mastery as this can only be achieved when I am doing it for the benefit of another. So...what does this mean for me and Goose...the ever faithful wingman? (or wingwoman rather) Well, it means we die as we're ejected from the cockpit. Too bad.

I Love My Job

2010-04-15T22:35:00.004-06:00

As most of you may know, I currently have the privilege of spending the majority of my days working deep underground in a place called the Harold B. Lee Library Special Collections. I have held this job for exactly 2 years this month, and while it hasn't always been the most cerebrally stimulating job in the world, it has defnitely had its' perks. One being the annual Christmas party we have every year where at least one person gets up during the talent segment and embarrasses themselves, thus heavily taxing the social sympathies of every person in attendance. Another is our weekly work meetings where we generally spend 45 minutes every thursday talking about the exact same problems we discussed the previous week while we gorge ourselves on delicious treats...today it was cupcakes. Then there's the period each semester during finals where I get to tell at least a dozen people a day that they cannot in fact study in the Special Collections reading room because the things being viewed in there are generally worth more than their puny little lives.

But of all the great things about my job, my favorite just might be the chance I get to help interview prospective employees. As a department we get to meticulously scrutinize each resume, which often results in nasty comments written in the margins. I know, it's not really very nice, but if they never see them than what can it hurt? After this tedious process, generally there are 5-10 applicants chosen from the stack who everyone collectively deems worth an interview. Once the interviews are scheduled, I get to sit down and think up questions to ask them that will help narrow the pool of qualified applicants. Call me sadistic, but I thoroughly enjoy dreaming up questions that will make people squirm. It's even more fun when I get to the interview and watch the process of agony. This generally seperates said applicants into two groups: the verbally competent and the socially awkward. While this round of interviews was a slight disappointment in that we did not merit any extreme cases, I can't help but reflect back on some of my favorite responses. So for your reading pleasure, here the top 2...

Scenario #1
Me: We are looking for people that are natural problem solvers. Could you give us an example of a time where you encountered a problem with either a customer and co-worker, and how you came to a solution?

Applicant: Well, in my last job there was a girl that I didn't like very much. So I just quit talking to her and avoided her. I did not like her at all.

Scenario #2
Me: In our workplace we have a great need for people who are detail-oriented and organized. Could you give us an example of something you keep well-organized?

Applicant: Well, in high school my older brother didn't allow me to borrow his movies, so when he was out I would sneak into his room and take them, but not without first checking to see precisely how it was placed on his shelf. After I used them, I would carefully put it back in the same way I found it. (The kicker is that we actually hired this kid. Yeah...)

The Call

2010-04-11T18:26:00.003-06:00

So I have some rather exciting news to relate, although most of you have already heard through other sources. Anyways, the point is that about a month ago I decided to put my mission papers in, and last week I received a big white envelope in the mail telling me where I would be spending the next 18 months of my life. Imagine my surprise when I ripped it open to find that I have been assigned to the DOMINICAN REPUBLIC SANTO DOMINGO EAST MISSION!!!!!! Yes those are all in capital letters because I am yelling aloud inside my head. I cannot believe after all of the crazy life experiences I have been blessed with, I am being given the ultimate experience to go and serve the Lord. I am excited, terrified, overwhelmed, giddy, worried, anxious, and most of all grateful. I know that it will change my life, and I am so happy I will get to share the wonderful message of this gospel with the amazing people of the Dominican Republic. So although it was a long and rather detoured road to get here, I am ready to start this new adventure.

Carpe Diem

2010-04-05T10:39:00.003-06:00

I'm in a ponderous mood today...if that's a word...and if it isn't than I'm pensive. Anyways, this past weekend was Easter and Conference, and I found myself reflecting back to last year when I was in the Holy Land having the time of my life and learning things that even now I'm still working through. I find myself looking back to that and wishing I had been more grateful while I was there and not taking it for granted. Then I realized that I'm stuck doing the exact same thing now. I'm in college, meeting new people every day, learning so many new things, and wasting my time worrying about the past and other useless drone. Until this moment I don't think I ever really appreciated the saying "Carpe diem." Because if you don't wake up enough to live where you are, tomorrow and the rest of forever are only going to be filled with regrets. I hate regrets, more than anything in the entire world. You can't do anything about what you did or didn't do, but you can decide now to make the most of every day no matter how hard or awful things get. In the words of Owl City...in every mushroom cloud there's a silver lining. It's up to me to see it I guess. Maybe I just need some nuclear sunglasses.

Hater

2010-03-29T21:12:00.003-06:00

Can I just be an angry girl for about five seconds? That's all I need, promise. Boys suck. I say boys, because it's usually the ones who haven't grown up enough yet that piss me off the most. They can't make up their minds, they can't say anything nice, they can't do anything productive, and they only think of themselves. Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a guy who isn't so in love with himself that he can look around every once in awhile and notice there are other people on the planet besides him? I'm just wondering... Please prove me wrong. I'm begging you.

The Disease of Nostalgia

2010-03-22T21:36:00.003-06:00

While some of you may not realize it, nostalgia is, in fact, a disease. Actually, back in the old days it was thought of as a mental illness, and I would have to agree. Lately I have been getting so nostalgic and sentimental that it makes me want to throw up. I'm not normally like that, which is likely the reason for my disgust. I know some people enjoy that feeling, but not me. Nostalgia is such a contradiction. You sit there wishing for something you never had and missing something you never really experienced. It's all a product of your mind trying to dig up something that was pleasurable from your past to relive it in the present. But it's not the same. And in the process of digging, you damage the memory further, which makes everything hurt all the more. So as I deal with this infection as of late, I'm just wondering if anyone out there has a remedy? If so, please share!

Speaking of diseases...I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick. I feel that hint of a throb in the back of my head and I'm pretty sure my tonsils are swelling by the minute. Being at the start of sickness is like standing in front of a semi-truck and just waiting for it to mow you down, because you know it's inevitable. Sure you can take some vitamins, but that's about the equivalent of a pillow out in front of you to fend off the semi-truck. It doesn't really work. The better option would be to take the pillow and lie down on the road. At least then your comfortable. Mmmm sleep.

Redundant? Check

2010-03-17T22:55:00.002-06:00

I just realized looking at my past few posts that I constantly start them with an "ok so...". Bah! And I call myself an English major! I am ashamed...oh wait let me look up another word for that in the thesaurus, ah, compunctious...that's better. I 'll try to avoid my redundant tendencies from now on.

Now, onto another important subject. Checklists. I find that my entire life operates by checklists. Checklists for homework, errands, and even social to-do's (not toto). I get some sick satisfaction from crossing or checking things off lists. I LIVE for that warm fuzzy once something is completed. Is that normal? Probably not. Am I that concerned? Nope. So, with this concept of checklists in mind, I have embarked on completing a rather hefty and life changing checklist. As I have gone through the different things, I have found it increasingly difficult to fully complete each item. I feel as though the gods of checklists have finally chosen to inflict their wrath upon me, and I wonder if this is one checklist that simply cannot be done. But I think that is a lie. I think it is going to be finished. I am going to finish it. So....List, thou shalt be conquered!

A Little Pet Peeve

2010-03-11T18:38:00.004-07:00

So I'm just going to climb on my soapbox for just a moment. I think it is the most pointless thing in the world for a student to go to class with a laptop and proceed to waste the class period web-surfing instead of actually paying attention in class. Hello?!?! If you would rather spend your life in front of a computer monitor, at least have the sense to do it in the comfort of you own home and not distract me as you type away meaningless chitchat in your facebook window. Furthermore, I would really appreciate if you would stop googling recipes because they either make me hungry or have pictures that make me never want to eat again. Oh and by the way, you do realize you are blowing thousands of dollars each semester on an education that you don't give a hoot about and taking the spot of a potentially useful human being in the class as you squander each class period. I'm sorry dear, but if you don't want to learn and can't contribute, get out of the classroom woman!

Jumping Trains

2010-03-07T00:28:00.003-07:00

Okay, so the last week has probably been full of some serious contemplations. Let me draw a little metaphor for you, if I may....
I am on a speeding train, going one direction obviously, and the destination is pretty great. Heck, the train is pretty nice too. It's a sweet setup. No lie. However, I don't find myself looking forward to actually getting there, despite all of these great things. But the train is moving too fast...and it's not stopping. Suddenly, I look over and see another train, going in the opposite direction. Let's be real, it's not as nice. In fact it looks like a pretty bumpy and rough ride. But I find out what the destination is and I realize I want to be on that train. I want to get there, even if the trip is going to be awful. I want it so bad. Here's the catch: I have to jump and I am scared out of my mind. Both are moving fast, there is only one small window of opportunity to make the switch. Everything I've ever known is already on the train I'm on. Everything I am terrified of and don't know is on the other. So here's the question: Do I jump and end up with my guts splattered on the tracks, stay on my own train and be content with the status quo, or somehow make it to the other train and get something I've always wanted? I hate deciding.

I Hate Evolution

2010-02-23T17:35:00.003-07:00

Ok so I don't really hate evolution because let's be honest, there's not really any productivity in that. What I do hate is when I waste an hour and a half of my life sitting in a biology class where my ignorant classmates assault the guest lecturer on evolution with narrow-minded questions. Yes evolution is a fact, no you don't have to accept that, yes you can still be mormon and have a variety of beliefs, how about we agree to disagree? Do people seriously find purpose in arguing over evolution and other such things? Seriously people...

I feel better now.

Missing Jeru

2010-02-15T21:22:00.002-07:00

Okay so I just got finished reading through one of my friend's blogs who happens to be in Jerusalem right now, and holy cow do I miss that place. I miss the smells. I miss the people. I miss the Dome. I miss the shopkeepers. I miss the Arabic. I miss the food. I miss the Center. I miss the field trips. I miss the ping pong. I miss Shabbat. I miss the sounds. I miss the walks. I miss every single stinking thing. I keep thinking the little hole inside my heart will go away the longer time goes on, but I'm starting to wonder if it's there for good. I think a piece of me will always be in the Holy Land, and I'll probably never get it back. But maybe it's better that way. Because whether I planned for it to happen or not, Jerusalem changed me. Alot. I just wish I didn't feel like I'm forgetting that.

Just Kidding...Kind of

2010-02-08T23:15:00.003-07:00

I'm not sure why I'm blogging. I'm not really in the mood for it...but life is full of doing things you don't really feel like doing. Plus the new episode of 24 has not been uploaded yet. Since when is it on mondays anyway? Sheesh, I'm so out of the tv world these days. Anyways, a little life update is in order I think. School is, well, school. I've moved on to observations at the high school and while it's nice to not walk down halls and realize that I'm two feet taller than everyone else, the amount of hormones and attitude encompassed in one building is not particularly inspiring. But hey, welcome to the rest of my life. I should just embrace it. Every once in awhile though I catch myself thinking "Whoa, do I really want to spend every day for the next 30 years back in school?" Sometimes I'm not so sure. Maybe I really should just quit school and bum around the world for awhile. Who needs a college education anyway? I've always got McDonald's right? Haha just kidding...kind of.

Aside from school, my life is pretty much nonexistent. I haven't visited my family in over a month, I have yet to be given an actual calling in my new ward, and I only just barely went grocery shopping for the first time since I moved in. This is starting to feel like and addendum to my last post. Haha. Ok so my life's not really that pathetic. Well maybe it is, depending on your perspective. But it's alright for now. I would however like to share a few highlights of my superbowl weekend.

First, I played ticket to ride with my sister's family for the first time ever, and totally owned everyone. It'll probably be the last time that ever happens, but I'll take it.

Second, I played ping pong. Yeah. Enough said.

Third, I played broom hockey and sucessfully bruised my elbow and right shin by falling down many many times. Thank goodness I have public embarrassment to keep my life entertaining.

Lastly, I was asked by my friends father "So Elyse...you married yet?" In case you didn't know, I really love this question. My response? "Haha. Nope. Not yet. But thanks for asking!" But here's what I could have said "No I'm not. Probably because I am so pathetic I can't even find some poor sucker who would choose to spend the rest of their existence with me. Sorry to disappoint you!" Hahaha. Ok so I'm just kidding...kind of.

I love my life.

You know your life's pathetic when...

2010-01-29T23:38:00.003-07:00

The best compliment you get all day comes from a hormonal 13-year old boy

The full time staff at your part-time job are exclaiming "You're still here?!?!"

Your weekly diet mostly consists of frozen pizza, slimfast, and funyuns

You spend your friday night watching a 1940's Humphrey Bogart movie with senior citizens

You consider finishing your gallon of milk before it expires an achievement

Most of your "meals" are consumed within 5 minute intervals

You keep up on current events by looking at status updates on facebook

The majority of communication with your friends and family comes via text

You find your misplaced homework assignment in the notebook you checked a thousand times

The most exciting part of your day is watching last week's episode of 24

Your idea of 'sleeping in' is waking up at 8am

...

Good thing there's only 12 more weeks of this semester left. Bleh.

Emotional Stimulus Package

2010-01-20T19:45:00.002-07:00

You know those days that just end unexplicably bad? Like you don't even remember the reason you got up this morning or why you're still a person? Well that's today. I think it's winter semester that's doing it...and homework...both of which are hazardous to my health at the moment. So I'm getting an emotional stimulus package. But instead of the government giving it to me, I'm just giving it to my self. Haven't heard of it? Well let me enlighten you....

1) Go buy your favorite treat
2) Watch your favorite movie
3) Take a nice hot shower
4) Listen to your best upbeat playlist
5) Go to bed early

On the flipside, here's a few things you are NOT permitted while on the emotional stimulus package...

1) Looking at your bank account
2) Doing any homework
3) Cleaning or tidying anything
4) Doing anything that you don't want to do

So yeah, that pretty much covers it I think. I've only got a few hours, so I better hurry and utilize my resources.

Big Fat Jerk

2010-01-16T09:27:00.003-07:00

I am now going to describe a natural phenomena that occurs to many people...

You know when you're in hurry and trying to walk somewhere as fast as you can? Then all of the sudden you see someone that you kind-of know. It's not like you're really friends, but you are kind of old acquaintances really. But the point is, you don't know them that well, so when you see them you have to make the split second decision: acknowledge them, ignore them, or pretend you didn't see them. Now for me, the latter was impossible because we made eye contact. But in that moment I thought both of us had made the silent pact that neither of us would say anything. So I turned and began running down the stairs. The problem was that he didn't get the memo. He yelled my last name (probably because he couldn't remember my first name, which I'm really not offended about) and I turned out of habit. I gave a very awkward wave and an even worse half smile before turning back around and promptly running away. What is wrong with this picture? Well not that much, except now I look like a big fat jerk because a) I didn't say hello first and b) I didn't stick around to make small talk. Why do people have to break the silent pact of non-acknowledgment!?!? Life is so much easier when it is followed people!

Led Zeppelin and First Days

2010-01-06T21:30:00.005-07:00

I just found out that one of my favorite piano songs was actually a remake of a Led Zeppelin song. Not sure how I feel about that. Apparently I like psychedelic rock more than I thought I did. Who would've thought? In fact the more I listen to classic reggae, the more I like it. Maybe I've just been watching That 70's Show too much or soemthing.

Anyways, classes have started again and I find myself falling into the dull daily grind of things again. Although yesterday in my first class of American lit, we had the most intensely theoretical discussion I've ever had on a first day. We talked about Derrida and poststructuralism. It kind of blew my mind just a little bit. But only a little. I've also started my first education class, which is also blowing my mind. Being a teacher is hard, but I am really excited to get to go into classrooms this semester and observe teachers. Of course I'll also have to sell my soul to them and undoubtedly spending countless hours doing the things my mentor teacher doesn't want to do herself. Sweet.

The Transience of Existence

2009-12-29T15:33:00.001-07:00

I did it. Again. I moved. It would sure be nice if I stayed in one place for longer than 6 months, but apparently that is too much to ask of life…or of my contentment. Without fail I always end up relocating somewhere because I get bored. And I know I'll only be at my current residence for six months before London. Wow. I should have my head examined. Anywho, I've been basking in the somewhat carefree vacation, aside from the moving stress of course, and realized that I am getting burned out on school again as well. Not a good sign. At this rate I won't graduate until I'm 30…and that's a problem. I do not want to be hanging around Provo for that long.

On a completely unrelated topic, I've been pondering on the blogging world again lately. Wondering about how incredibly fascinating it is to find people's blogs and see their personality come alive through words. Have you ever met anyone and thought "Well they're nice, but kind of dull" and never really gotten to know them beyond that? But then you discover their blog and hey, it's public domain, so why not read a little? All of the sudden they have a life and a personality. Quirks and things you never even imagined beneath that steely exterior. How do people do that? How do we have so many freaking facets of our personality that you can spend an extended period of time with someone and still never really know who they are? Then I get to wondering how much of my own personality doesn't come across to people when I meet them. Clearly I have too much free time to ponder on things without school.

Why do you have to JUDGE me?!

2009-12-15T02:22:00.003-07:00

Yes it is indeed 2 freaking AM in the morning and instead of finishing my paper like a good girl, I'm going to blog. But my brain needs a little variety. So here's my anecdote for the day...

Today I was tired. Of course not nearly as tired as I'm going to be tomorrow, but tired all the same. It was probably in anticipation of how little sleep I'll be getting in the next 3 days. Wow, I ramble when it's late. Anywho, today, because I was tired, I decided to spice up my life by wearing my most comfy sweater. My most comfy sweater happens to be dark navy blue with a very large word printed across the front. Now you would think that my sweater said NAZI, COMMUNIST, or U of U FAN with all of the strange and sometimes dirty looks I receieved. Even people who are supposedly my friends gave me funny looks without actually addressing me about it. Curious yet? Well, it happens to be a sweater I purchased on my last vacation to Washington, where my bestie and I visited a little po-dunk town named FORKS! Yes people, I wore a sweater with FORKS stamped across the front, and was judged. Now I know not everyone in the world is a die-hard Twilight Fan (i'm really not a huge fan myself, but i like souvenirs), but do you really have to act that appalled over a fictional book? I mean seriously, I don't judge people when they wear Obama or Transformer shirts, so why you gotta be hatin? Honestly, I'm really not that offended if you judge me. I'm used to it, I expect it, my life would be dull without it. But I just find it funny that while you stood there judging me, I was secretly laughing on the inside.

The Surreal Life

2009-12-10T22:35:00.004-07:00

Today I attended the last day of class I will ever have to go to...in the year 2009 at least. Still have plenty more ahead. Luckily. Haha. The last few weeks have been a little strange and I can't quite pin down what's been going on. I've been walking around with the feeling that I'm watching my life from a tv screen. Do you ever feel like that? Like you're having a really long dream and you're watching the motions of life go forward like normal, but you're not in it. All of the sudden the end of the semester came, the snow came, the change came. So I'm just waiting to wake up and realize that the last 4 months weren't real and I've still got to get through fall. Weird.

Anywho, going along with the theme of surreality (is that even a word, because if it isn't it probably should be), I've got another bombshell in my life. Ever since I was little, I have dreamed of going to England. But I've been telling myself since I got back from Jerusalem that it just wasn't feasible. That I shouldn't take out another loan, that I got my chance to live abroad, and I've got a lot of other options to pursue here. However, a few weeks ago right before Thanksgiving, I decided to bite the bullet and apply to the study abroad program anyway. I figured the odds of my being accepted were slim considering my circumstances. But then I had my interview with the directors on Tuesday and they were ready to adopt me they liked me so much. So I got my email of acceptance today, and now I'M GOING TO ENGLAND NEXT SUMMER!!!!! I haven't even told my parents yet, so shhhhh! Probably because I know they'll tell me I shouldn't. It's kind of insane, but I am incredibly excited for the opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream....and of course still waiting to wake up. But at this point, I sincerely hope I don't.

Ode to Lost and Found

2009-12-08T14:35:00.003-07:00

So I had an inspiring experience yesterday that I decided to share amongst the stress of finals and trying to move. Yesterday before class I went to the library to print off a paper and notes on my presentation for the next class. I was horrified to find that when I searched my backpack, my jump drive was no longer in it. I racked my brain trying to think of the last time I used it, and worried because I almost never took it out of my backpack. So I went to class unprepared and begged for mercy. Literally ran home (which is a feat in itself considering the snow conditions as of late) to turn my room upside down, and still couldn't find it. Went back to the library and checked with the security guards as well as the lab attendant in the place I'd last seen it. Proceeded to the Wilk where the Lost and Found finally reunited me with my DRAMALAMA (Stefanie named it of course, as if I'm dramatic psh) jump drive. My faith in humanity has been restored! Never have I been more grateful for the honesty of the BYU student body than I was yesterday. So even though I might fail all my classes this semester and find myself homeless for an extended period of time, at least I'll have my faith in humanity...and my jump drive of course.

I Am Thankful For...

2009-11-24T21:52:00.004-07:00

So I've decided that my recent blogging slump is a result of the research papers I've been writing for the past two weeks. They've sucked the words right out of my head. I'm barely forming complete sentences these days. And I've still got one more paper to bust out before the semester is over. Huzzah. However, all of this is irrelevant, because this week is thanksgiving and despite my lack of eloquence lately, I still have a whole lot to be grateful for. I like lists, so this thanksgiving I want to say cheers to life and all the blessings the Lord sees fit to give me. Here's just a little taste of how good life really is, but in no particular order...

My crazy misfit loving incredible chaotic family, every last one of 'em

A spectacularly comfortable and warm bed

Snow

Jerusalem and everything that came with it

Snuggly boots that keep my feet warm

Chocolate and peanut butter, preferably together

Sleep, when I get it

My laptop

Laughter

An education at one of the best universities (in my opinion at least) on earth

A free country where the opportunities are endless

Mountains

Music, except maybe rap, meh

An apartment with a heater

A religion that answers all my questions

A job that pays me to take care of one of my favorite things in the world: books

A healthy body that only gives out on me occassionally

The ocean

My amazing thoughtful wacky hilarious inspiring friends

Summer rain

Temples

And so much more....

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

A Cereal or Tool Box?

2009-11-15T01:08:00.004-07:00

Alright so there hasn't been anything new going on for quite some time. Seriously though, reading the back of a cereal box is more entertaining than my life right now. But I am determined to overcome it! I have a few ideas up my sleeve...but they are only in the early stages of planning and thinking, so I better not reveal them just yet. I just thought I'd let y'all know that I'm tired of being bored with everything and I'm hatching a devious plan to go on another adventure. Bah! Just when I thought I had the whole graduation thing and post-degree job figured out, I want to throw a really big wrench into the plan. Aw heck, pass me the whole tool box while you're at it! Besides, aren't tools meant to fix problems? Because I'm going to need the entire tool box to fix my cereal box of a life.

Books, Borders, and a Compass

2009-11-08T17:22:00.003-07:00

I went to an excellent lecture this week for one of my lit classes, and the things the speaker said are still making me think, especially since I was pondering on the subject before I heard the lecture. So here it is...

Books are magical. Yes I am an English major so maybe I'm a little biased, but think about it. Books provide you with a passport into any land you dare to venture. You can go anywhere, anytime. You can experience the world without ever having to step outside your front door. There are no boundaries you can't cross in a book. However, outside of books, we have borders everywhere. We create borders to feel secure. Borders to establish friends, school, work, and most especially ourselves. I feel like I talk about this alot, so if it's redundant I apologize. But we build WALLS so much it really is absurd. Sometimes we spend so much time and energy building those walls that we fail to see all of the wonderful things going on outside of them. It's such a waste.

Anyways, there's my philosophical moment for the day. Now I need to just lament for a few minutes about my current living situation. Two of my roommates are leaving me next semester, and although I love my third roommate, my financial situation doesn't really allow me to stay. So I'm feeling like a freshman again as I endeavor to find suitable housing with complete strangers. Sometimes I think it will be great, meeting new people and getting a fresh new start. But then again, I'm a creature of habit and I like my comfort. What if I get another crazy roommate? And house hunting is nightmarish. I need direction in my life. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a life compass that could just point you in the direction you should go?

A Blog with a View

2009-10-27T23:11:00.002-06:00

Of course it's only natural that since I have a paper to be written this fine evening, I cannot manage to the summon the self discipline necessary to fill one pathetic little page of thoughts on a book for one of the many lit classes. But I plenty of absurd thoughts bouncing around in this little head of mine to fill up at least one useless post. So if you're looking for something sensible, maybe you should just quit now.

Anywho, today I checked up on my ever faithful google analytics page and found out, much to my surprise, that people are still actually reading this. I have no idea why you still are, but I'd love to be enlightened if you have a good reason. Anonymous comments are always welcome! So, with this in mind, I began wondering about why we blog and why we read anything at all. I came up with a few ideas, but I can't claim that it applies to anything I write, so don't make any assumptions. Here's what I came up with:

As humans, we are all wandering through our existence with a weak grip on reality and an even weaker grip on who we are as individuals. It's not that we don't believe in God, or fate, or hope, or anything like that, it's just that sometimes, it's easier to believe in anything other than yourself. Because of this, we are constantly seeking to validate ourselves through other people. Most of the time we do this superficially. We try to gain the approval of society through outward manifestations like clothing, language, and other appearances. But most of the time we're too afraid to let our guard down, too afraid that if we act the way we truly think and feel, we will be rejected. Then, we have the blog. Blogs are a little like windows. We read them to see inside a person, but they can't see us as we watch (that is unless you have google analytics lol). We find little pieces of who we are strewn across the words typed up and sent out into cyberspace for us to find. We find comfort in the fact that we're not alone in being misfits. But really, if we all took a step back and stopped pretending so much, we'd find that we're all doing the exact same thing. We're all peeking into one another's windows and seeing the same thing we try to hide behind our own curtains. We are all misfits, and that's okay.

Theoretically Speaking...

2009-10-24T00:22:00.004-06:00

Alright so I've been turning this idea around in my head for quite sometime and I think it has finally evolved into something just short of logic. You can be the judge though. So, how many of us have found ourselves "falling in love" with a person without really knowing them all that well? Sure, you talk to them every so often, you see them around, you hang around in the same crowds, and you seize every opportunity you can to be around them. It's okay, there's no shame in it, we've all been there. But here's the problem: you don't really know them. You have an idea about them. You have a picture of them in your head. You have a theory of who that person is. Now it would be all fine and dandy if the theory was true...you like them, they like you, welcome to happily ever after. But really? The truth is that it is only a matter of time before the blinding light of optimism is turned down just long enough to see that the theoretical person you are in love with, does not in fact exist. Yes it sucks. Yes it is hard. And yes, you will get over it. But how many times must one go through this process before they stop projecting those theories? I'm not a pessimist when it comes to love, honest. I just like to keep it in check with reality, because sometimes it all just seems a little too fantastic. Maybe that's the problem though...that I have no idea what I'm talking about. Who says I know anything about love anyway? Exactly.

A Very Merry UnBirthday

2009-10-14T23:22:00.003-06:00

I have a confession to make...I hate my birthday. Having one day dedicated to giving me special attention is kind of a nightmare. I don't know why, but that's the way it is. Maybe it comes from years of disappointed expectations, or maybe I just don't like cake. My friends are great and I know they all mean well, but really, next year I'd like it to be ignored. Sometimes being ignored and fading into the background is the best present.

Clinically Insane

2009-10-06T22:58:00.003-06:00

I think I have a disorder. Every year, without fail, during the fall semester, I develop the strong urge to quit school and go live like a nomad. Is that abnormal? Maybe a clinically proven mental illness? That'd be fantastic really. Then I'd have a doctor's note to excuse any emotional outbursts I might be having as a side effect. Haha. It's always more comforting when doctors can tell you that you are actually insane with a legitimate reason. But let's be honest, I have no legit reason. I'm just bored. Bored with life. Bored with the prospect of spending the next two years in the exact same place, watching everyone else around me get up and move on with life. Bah!

Anywho, now I'm going to relate some good old fashion book reviewing since reading is the only thing I'm allowed to spend time on anymore (aside from the indulgence in gilmore girls episodes). I never thought the day would come when I would grow weary of reading...especially fiction novels. But that day might not be far off nowadays. Here's a little list of the books I've read in just the past month...
Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones (I've actually got 50 pages left for tonight on this one)
Dances with Wolves by Michael Blake
Rag and Bone Shop by Robert Cormier
Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry by Mildred Taylor
Guinea Pig Scientists by Mel Boring
A Room with a View by E.M. Forster
Witch Hunt by Marc Aronson
Shipreck at the Bottom of the Ocean by Jennifer Armstrong
Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
Herland by Charlotte Gilman Perkins
Do you pity me yet? Because you probably should. I mean, yes I like to read, but really? And it's only going to get more intense from here on out. Not to mention I would not recommend at least half of those books to anyone...especially Robert Cormier. Only read him if you want the life sucked out of you. Really it's no small wonder that I've started to go mental. Somebody save me from the black hole of literature I'm falling into.

The Fateful Letter

2009-10-03T00:26:00.002-06:00

Today was the day. I've been planning my life around this single decision for the past year and a half, and today was the day I finally got to find out if the plan was going to work. I practically ran across campus to pick up my letter and thought I'd die of a heart attack before the elevator would reach the 4th floor of the humanities building. The moment I had the envelope in my hands I had to fight the sudden urge to rip it open right then and there to discover my fate. But I prevailed. I walked with an eerie calmness all the way back to the library where I was supposed to be working, went back into my office, and sat down in a chair. Waiting. I sat there for what seemed like a really long time, wondering if I really wanted to open it, wondering what I really wanted the letter to tell me. Never, in my entire life, has one envelope held so much of my future. One thin white paper envelope. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. I began ripping the careful seal and pulled out the letter. Even then I hesitated. Why? I couldn't tell you. Maybe because I honestly didn't know what I wanted. So there the letter was folded up. Waiting. When I opened it I couldn't stop my eyes from scanning the entire length of the page, looking for key words like congratulations or accepted. My search was not in vain. There in the very first lines were those exact words. I had been accepted. The dream of the last two years is realized as I'm given legitimate permission to pursue my degree in English Teaching. Hello fate, so glad you stopped by today. Thanks so much for the visit, and don't take so long to get here next time!

The Convenience Friend

2009-09-28T22:09:00.003-06:00

I sincerely apologize for the amount of rant-blogs lately...I guess it's just been a rough few weeks. But I promise this will be the last one for awhile.

Am I the only one who is constantly plagued by convenience friends? Those people who think that it's okay to call you up whenever they have nothing else to do or if they need a favor. They don't make you a priority at all and heaven forbid if you ask them for a favor that doesn't work with their schedule. What nerve I have to ask for some help when I have an actual emergency. I'm not one of those people who asks for help normally. I don't like to burden people with things and sometimes it's just easier to depend on yourself. However, I always try to support a friend in need when I know it's something important to them. Don't I deserve the same treatment? Apparently not. Just stick me right there on the bottom of the list next to deep cleaning the bathrooms. I don't have needs, so it's cool. Just whenever you get around to it, let me know and I'll be sure to show infinite gratitude when you're finally around to show some semblance of support even though you've made it obvious there are other more pressing things you'd rather be doing. I sure appreciate it.

Sounds Like a Personal Problem

2009-09-16T23:37:00.002-06:00

Is it just me or does anyone else have trouble acting like a normal human being around the person they like? I always end up pulling my foot out of my mouth and then cursing the day I ever opened my mouth in the first place. What induces me to believe that if I use words it will come out in my favor? Bah. If only taping my own mouth shut was socially acceptable.

On a completely different topic, I am ready to graduate. I am ready to be done with college, move away, and get on with my life. Not to say that it'll be anything productive, but at least I'll be going somewhere. Somewhere not here. I swear the only thing constant in my life is the desire to run away. I keep thinking just around the next turn I'll be content, just one more move and I'll finally find that happy little sunset. Where is my sunset?!?! I just keep watching everyone else find theirs instead.

I hate my compulsive tendencies to compare everything around me...strengths, weaknesses, successes, failures. Stupid. Just stop. Nothing good EVER comes of it. And, I'm tired of everyone asking me what to do. I can't even figure out what the heck I'm doing with my own life, so why on earth are you asking me? Don't satisfy my vanity and pretend like my advice is worth something because let's be honest, it's not. So quit asking. I can barely stand being accountable for my own rotten choices, don't weigh me down with yours.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. The end.

Two Truths & a Lie

2009-09-14T01:18:00.004-06:00

So I've decided to play a little game. It's not very original, but since I'm tired and I need to blog about something it'll do...

1) it took me four months to realize i liked someone...alot
it took me seven years to get over someone
it took me 22 years before i kissed someone

2) i never lie
i am a liar
i hate to lie

3) i like to run away from my problems
i like to create problems
i like to ignore my problems

4) i do stupid things sometimes
i do stupid things ALL the time
i do stupid things that i hate doing

5) my life is a mess
my life has always been a mess
my life will always be a mess

Ok so I realize this sounds like a real downer, but somedays you just have to say it like it is... I promise I'll get over it. Sooner...haha...otherwise it'd be later.

Back in the Saddle

2009-09-08T21:27:00.002-06:00

Alrighty then! Now that school has finally reconvened...I can get back to blogging! Because as we all know, I only blog when I have homework to avoid. Luckily, there is no end of homework, reading, or studying in sight, so hello blogspot! Anywho, this past week less than ideal as far as productivity goes. Who thought it was a good idea to start school, then give us a 3-day weekend to tease us with how great summer was, and then force us back into piles of school work? Cruel. Despite this, I made the most of my weekend by floating the provo river (which by the way was a first for me), watching a really cheesy 80's movie (i only really watched it for the sweet 80's jams), going to Jeru parties (always a good use of my time), watching football (that's right, byu beat oklahoma, booyah!), visiting the ever delicious Dairy Keen of Heber (chocolate peanut butter shake is all I have to say), and completing my application video (my star debut as a teacher. yikes). Sara came down for the weekend and joined in on the festivities as well, so that was an added bonus. Now that I'm back to school today, I've managed to waste time making 3 trips to the bookstore, surfing the internet for YA lit novels to read for my class, and cleaning almost my entire apartment. Why yes, I could be reading one of the three dozen books I'm required to read this semester, but now I'm blogging instead. Just don't be surprised when I disappear under a rock...or in this case my pile of lit novels...and don't emerge for the next 3 months. Kill me now.

So Long Summer

2009-08-30T23:22:00.002-06:00

Well, the moment has finally come. The time when I have to bid summer a fond farewell and brace myself for 8 long cold months of academic torture. Ok so maybe that's a little dramatic, but after spending a week in Lake Powell with some of my favorite people, the prospect of school isn't very alluring. Not to mention I still haven't finished my English Ed application. Any volunteers to be in my video? I'll make sure you get a witty comment in about an Austen or Bronte novel? No...well alright then.

Let's just go back to Lake Powell for a second. Best vacation ever. Seriously. Of course getting there was a bit of a trial. Like going on a 2-hour detour and then almost running out of gas in the middle of a scorching desert. I think Jordan learned his lesson though: sometimes the girl has a point. :-) Once we got there though, it was an all out party. Between swimming, hiking, tubing, eating, boating, tanning, wakeboarding, stargazing, and just laughing...there was never a dull moment. Props to the Hale family for making the trip a total success.

In other news...I went to my new singles ward today. Pretty standard stuff. Filling out information sheets, posing for awkward ward directory pictures, introducing yourself 500 times, scoping out dating potentials, scoping out dating competition, smiling until your cheeks hurt, listening to the bishop teach about chastity, listening to the bishop tell us we should marry eachother and yeah, that basically covers it. Let's face it, the mormon culture is just a little weird.

Well class starts tomorrow and I've got to get up bright and early for a TA interview. Wish me luck!

We're All On Drugs

2009-08-25T01:12:00.002-06:00

Ok so this is probably a little juvenile of me to make this comparison, but whilst discussing the never-ending topic of boys with my sister the other night, I came to a very important realization: Liking a guy is like being on drugs. Now before you go shooting me down, let me just paint the picture for you...

You get all happy and crazy when they're around, and when they're not, you just want them back. You frequently get nervous and jumpy when they're around, but miss the feeling when it's gone. It's exhilarating and scary all at once, but you know it's going to hurt eventually. Then you finally stay away from the drug and the addiction starts to fade. But then just when you think you've kicked the habit, you accidently bump into him at the store, or you see him on campus, or his stupid picture pops up on facebook (it's ok, we've all been there). Anyways, you have this unexpected encounter and BAM! it's like a shot of heroin straight into your blood stream and suddenly you've relapsed. Back to square one all over again. Can't live with it and can't live without.

So what's the moral of the story? Boys are like drugs, so "just say no". Because let's be honest, square one kind of sucks.

Sulking? I think not!

2009-08-23T23:00:00.004-06:00

I had one of those moments recently. The one where you're sitting there, assessing your life, and all of the sudden the sad truth hits you like a ton of bricks right in the gut. Knocks the wind out of you and almost makes you cry, but then you suck it up and put on a brave face so no one else will realize what an idiot you are. Yeah. But instead of sitting around and sulking in my own stupidity, I've decided to overcome it.

Firstly, making comparisons between people, including yourself, is 100% counterproductive and everybody loses. So we're done with that.

Secondly, it is possible to care too much about what people think and then let that get in the way of the person you really are. Not anymore.

Thirdly, everybody needs a listening ear sometimes, NOT someone to tell them what they need to do...just listen. This is me shutting my mouth.

Fourthly, everyone is at a different place in their life and we all evolve at different paces, which means a little patience goes a long way. Flipping that leaf over.

Finally, I am the one in control of my life and my happiness, not anyone else. Which means I get to choose and I'm the only one to blame if somethings wrong.

Now Hiring: Life Planner

2009-08-20T22:39:00.003-06:00

It's high time for an update! So, my mental health has drastically improved since we last left off. Days of rest and then another AMAZING (albeit last minute) week of EFY fixed me right up. Now I'm finishing my last week of work before I'm off to Lake Powell with my favorite group of people...the J-ru Crew! Earlier this week at work I got to sit in on interviews and be a part of the "hiring committee." I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty fun grilling people and asking them questions that obviously made them feel vastly unprepared. I like seeing what people do when the unexpected gets thrown at them. Anywho, that was fun and I'm glad I've worked my way up the hierarchy of Special Collections to enjoy such a task. Among other things, I'm currently homeless and bouncing back and forth between Salt Lake and Provo. Starting to hate that little 45 minute drive too. It's all good though. Now for the real juice....

Current life decisions I am having trouble making: (if you have an opinion, feel free to comment)
Should I finish my application to the English education program?
Should I finish my degree in English and work on a minor in editing?
Should I defer a semester and go teach English in China?
Should I apply to a study abroad program in England next summer?
Should I put in mission papers for next summer?
Should I let a certain person know I like them?
Should I quit my job at the library and get a real one?
Should I quit my life and become a vagabond who lives in box?
Should I return that purple shirt I bought last week?

Ok so the last two weren't really legit, but the rest were! Sometimes I think it would just be nice to have someone make all your life decisions for you. Shouldn't you be able to hire people for that kind of thing? Perfect. I am now accepting applications for anyone who would like to be my life planner. The pay isn't great, in fact maybe we can work something out where I bake cupcakes. Ha!

Mental Health Day

2009-08-01T11:36:00.002-06:00

Alright so it obviously hasn't been the brightest past few weeks, thus a mental health day is in order. Despite the fact that I had to wake up at 9am on a saturday morning for cleaning checks and then go to work for an hour, the rest of the day will now be dedicated to my mental health. Why would one need a mental health day you ask? That's a good question. There are a myriad of answers which I will now take the time to enlighten you with....
a) because said person has the most dull job in the world that does not stimulate brain activity in the slightest
b) because said person has roommates who, bless them, cannot clean up after themselves hardly ever
c) because said person does not know what they're doing with their life and is on the brink of breakdown
d) because said person is crazy
e) because said person is all the above
So, I'm going to go outside and tan, find a new book to read, watch some sappy movie, go out to eat, and probably buy something online just for the heck of it. My outlook is improving by the second!

The Consequences of Change

2009-07-26T18:42:00.004-06:00

Have you ever thought you knew someone only to see them after a period of absence and realize you don't know them at all anymore? How is it that people can change so drastically from what you thought was always so inherently "them"? And not a good change either. It makes me sad. Sometimes I just want to march up to them, give them a hug, and then look them straight in the eye and ask what happened? It feels like I've seen it so many times with so many different people. How do we lose ourselves so easily? I wish I could just tell them everything is going to be ok, but I can't tell them that for sure. They have to make that decision on their own.

Meanwhile, I've decided that I have not been doing all that great lately and I can be better. After finishing EFY everything I do seems so unfulfilling. Pulling books for patrons just doesn't quite give me those warm fuzzies inside that I got so used to during those weeks. But, that's no one's fault besides my own. I am the one who decides what to take away from my situation. So this is me, putting on a new attitude and getting over myself.

The Magic of Weezer

2009-07-20T21:21:00.002-06:00

I don't know what it is, but no matter how crappy of a day I'm having, if I turn on some weezer life doesn't seem quite as bad. So even though I'm turning into a hermit who only works, sleeps, and occasionally eats, at least I've got Weezer to carry me through. You think my family would agree to play weezer at my funeral? Which may end up being sooner rather than later at the rate of boredom I'm living these days. Today I spent over an hour copying a 150+ page book. Kill me now. Furthering the depression is the fact that I can't afford a real vacation for the rest of the summer. No disneyland, no lake powell, no vegas, nada. Bah! Cruel cruel world! If I could only get one good road trip in, I might maintain sanity. But alas, the prospects are looking sketchy at best. So...I'll just wallow in self pity and sing weezer songs for the rest of the summer. I'll imagine myself on an island in the sun, chillin in beverly hills, picturing the perfect situation, living only in dreams, as i look at my life and think this is such a pity, oh say it ain't so!

Going Nowhere Fast

2009-07-17T13:01:00.002-06:00

Does anybody else ever have those days where they feel like the whole world is moving except for them? Like everyone else is moving on to bigger and better things while you're stuck in the same exact place? Well...today I'm having one of those days. I'm having another one of those mid-life crises...yeah yeah I know, I have them every four months, so sue me. I can't decide on where I want to go for school, I'm bored of my job already, and I'm itching to leave the country yet again. Yesterday I got a call from the organization I was going to go to China with last winter and they basically offered me a position teaching English in Mexico next fall, all expenses paid. How bad do I want to pick up my life and go? Pretty dang bad. But I won't, because I'm a good girl who does what she's supposed to do. Life would be a whole lot easier if what I was supposed to do was what I wanted to do. Why is it that those two rarely seem to coincide?

The Truth About EFY

2009-07-12T21:30:00.003-06:00

I have returned from the alternate universe of EFY and will now try and integrate myself back into the real world. I've decided the real world is over-rated though. Living in EFYland is so much better anyway. Where do I begin to say how incredibly awesome these past weeks were? Bah. Words are insufficient, but I'll try. Before this, I thought I'd worked enough jobs in my life to know what kind of work was "hard." Not so. Being a counselor tested me more than any other experience or job I've ever had. Having the responsibility to help these youth realize how amazing they are and how important the gospel is in their lives was a heavy burden. Some days I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry until I fell asleep because I was so exhausted and felt inadequate for the job. But the Lord truly does qualify those that He calls. It was not me who helped those kids feel the love of their Heavenly Father or made them see the truths of the gospel, it was the Lord and His Spirit. I just feel so blessed that I got to be there to watch and be a part of it in some small way. While there were days where I thought that I wasn't getting through and it was just plain hard, hearing them bear their testimonies, some for the first time, made every difficult moment worth it. This little...well okay it's not so little anymore, especially since EFY has expanded to Europe...but this program is literally changing people's lives, one teenager at a time. It not only makes a difference in their lives, but counselors as well. Watching all the counselors, bc's, coordinators, and session directors work together to acheive something bigger than all of us was awesome. I learned so much about myself and others along the way that it just doesn't seem fully accurate to call it Especially For Youth. It's especially for everyone. We all benefit from helping eachother along and lifting one another up I'm so so so glad that I got the chance to be a part of it. I just hope that I can hold on to the lessons I've learned and keep the focus of what's most important in life: the message this gospel has for every single person.

Deadbeat Blogger

2009-06-30T17:58:00.004-06:00

It's getting to be that time again...the time where I realize i'm turning into a deadbeat blogger and need to make amends for my neglect. So, I'm trying to think what's new and exciting. Finished my three week stint of EFY and it was the most insane three weeks I've ever lived through. There were great things and not so great things, but I learned alot and I've still got one more week left to perfect the art. HA. Yeah right.

This past weekend I got to spend with all my siblings and I've got to be honest, there's no place I'd rather be than hanging out with my family. We're just that cool. We spent the weekend in park city chilling and then yesterday went to the alpine slide/coaster where I screamed my lungs out. Good times. It was also interesting to talk about the gospel with Jared and his fiance Jolene just because they don't understand why we do the things that we do. I liked it though. Sometimes I'm so surrounded by people in the church that I forget how strange it must look from the outside. Peculiar doesn't even cut it.

Last weekend I went to the manti pageant with Sara, Alyse, Kara, and my singles ward. It was pretty fun, especially when I was convinced we were going to hydroplane in the torrential rain. Luckily it stopped by the time we got there and it was a clear night performance. Quote of the night definitely had to be "Kick your trash, yo" where Casey mocked Sara for pretending to be gansta. We white girls just wish we had more soul is all.

Among other things, I'm doing that life crisis thing again where I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't think I'm doing English Teaching anymore...which means I graduate next year. Which means I get to start looking at all the other options I've been pushing out of my mind for the last while, like grad school and moving away. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Why is it that whenever we have to make a big decision we don't want to do it? But when the decision isn't looming we love to analyze it from every angle and plan life like it's the easiest thing in the world? Maybe I'm just weird. Wow this was a really dull post. Sorry, I guess I'm out of practice.

The EFY Experience

2009-06-08T22:20:00.001-06:00

Alright so I’ve been a slacker for the last few weeks. Sorry! I’m going to try and be better, but this counselor gig makes it a little difficult. So, as I embark on my second week of EFY, I am happy to report that I am still alive. While I did get to take a trip to the instacare this morning and have an influenza test, I do not in fact, have the swine flu. Wearing the little disease mask for 30 minutes was pretty exciting though… Anywho, there is so much to say about EFY I just don’t even know where to begin. It’s crazy, fun, exhausting, rewarding, incredible, hard, confusing, stressful, and worth every moment. It is absolutely nothing like I thought it would be, but it’s even better. Last week was especially difficult just because I was a new counselor who had no idea what was going on. But by the end of the week I felt like the spirit had really testified to this youth of the gospel. Hearing their testimonies was one of my most favorite parts just because I finally realized that even though they didn’t get everything, that as counselors, we were still getting through to them. Getting sick over the weekend was not something I enjoyed, but getting sick just happens sometimes. This week we’ve instituted a “no touch” policy, and when it was announced that there would be no slow dances at our main dance parties, the entire mass of youth almost mutinied! Boy do mormon kids like their slow dances! Thankfully our session director negotiated something out so the slow dances are back on. Yee haw. Anywho, I got my new group of girls today and an entirely new company. Can I just say that 14-15 year olds are the most entertaining bunch of people on the planet? When we asked why they came to EFY, one boy shouted out very seriously, “To meet the LADIES!!!” I almost died laughing. It’s hard to make them settle down when you just want to burst out laughing at how awkward and ridiculous they are. But they are good kids, and I think we’re going to have an awesome week. I’m really excited to see what new things we learn this week together. So yeah, that’s all I’ve got for now folks, and I apologize that the next few weeks will be just EFY…it’s my life for now. :-)

Super Glue

2009-05-27T21:24:00.004-06:00

Alright I've been slacking on the blog...but in my defense I haven't felt like saying a whole lot. But maybe I do, we'll see. Firstly, I've been hanging out with the Jeru Crew alot lately. Temple trips, camping outings, movie dates, filming stints...you name it we've done it. I love being around them and having this new pool of friends, but sometimes I feel a little stuck. Trying to merge two parts of yourself together can be difficult. It's good for me though.

Now for the subject of conversation. Have you ever met somebody you knew was going to be a problem? Seriuosly though, from day one you know that this person is going to create problems. It's like they're super glue, and you know very well that if you get too close you'll be stuck. So you avoid it. You sit and watch everyone else get stuck to the glue, and they don't realize that the super glue isn't that great until they're already stuck. But no matter how hard you try, you still get sucked in. You're stuck. Stupid glue.

Something that's really been bugging me lately as well (ok let's be honest, it's related to the super glue) is how manipulative some people are. Why do people think it's okay to say and do things they don't really mean, just to satisfy their own vanity and insecurities? I hate fakers. Is it so hard to just be yourself? So you might not be everyone's favorite person, but at least you're you. The biggest joke is that fakers usually just end up cheating themselves.

Quarter Life Crisis

2009-05-09T12:00:00.000-06:00

Alright, so I've been considering something along the lines of this for quite some time and while it's not likely that I'm going to live to the ripe old age of 88 years old, we're going to round down and call it a quarter-life crisis. Today I was discussing the 5 year plan (or semblance of a plan) with one of my friends. Honestly, I've always been one of those people who takes a strange sort of joy from mapping things out and then changing them everyday until something better comes along. Kind of like Jerusalem, because I sure as heck didn't see that train coming. Anyways, today as I hashed out "the plan" I realized I am no longer excited about it. In fact, the thought makes me want to bang my head against the wall...just a little. When did that happen? When did the future become so bleak that I no longer look forward to it? I dunno, maybe I'm just having an off day.

Second interesting topic of the day, my friend and I also had a conversation about girls and dating. For those of you who don't know me well, you should probably know that I love observing people. If I could have one superpower it would be invisibility, because everyone acts differently when they know someone's watching, but you see the real person emerge when they think they're all alone. Anyways, the point of this is that I frequently observe the actions and tendencies of people around me and I have reached a fairly solid conclusion. However, I'd like to put a disclaimer on it and specify that this is not an all inclusive generalization. It is simply what I have observed as most common in relationships. Guys love to date girls who are very good at talking about themselves. Why? I was hoping you'd ask... In my professional (profesh what? exactly. don't listen to a word i say) opinion, I believe it is because guys are lazy and don't like to carry on intelligent conversations. It's a whole lot easier to sit there and listen to a self absorbed girl blabber on about herself and all her problems instead of asking questions and giving thoughtful responses.Now don't go and click the comments all in a huff, just think about it, observe some couples interaction, and if you can prove me wrong on more than a few counts (because as we all know there are always exceptions) I will yield to your superior results.

Nostalgia Dies...Kind Of

2009-05-07T00:05:00.003-06:00

Okay so the two weeks have been a little rough. I've been missing Jeru and all my friends like crazy, but I think I'm finally ready to leave the mourning process behind me and move on. Maybe. I think. Ijust need to quit looking at facebook where all those darn pictures are. I should probably just get into that whole second life thing and make new cyber friends to help me get over it. I hear you can even get yourself a spouse! Just what I need...

Anywho, it's been back to work this week and I think I might just lose my mind right there in the basement level of the Harold B. Lee Library this summer. Spending almost 8 hours a day pouring over dusty bookshelves can do that to a person. It's also a frequent occurence for me to emerge from the stacks covered in what we down in Special Collections have lovingly dubbed "rare book". So if you see me running to the bathroom for the billionth time don't worry, I'm just rushing to get the 300 year old "rare book" off my hands.

Here's a random problem for you: what do you do when someone who supposedly knows you calls you the wrong name? I know we've all experienced this phenomena, but what is correct response? Embarrass the person and correct them immediately or just ignore them? I always feel bad, but if it continues for an extended period of time it gets a little ridiculous. I think I'll adopt a new solution: casually strike up a conversation with someone else nearby and strategically get them to say your name. The only problem is that this requires quite a bit of conversation manipulation. I need to work on my rhetoric.

Something else I experienced this week was a blast from the past, pop music style. On the way to fhe I ended up in a car full of girls with a poor boy driving as we jammed to tunes of yesterday like "This is me" by Dream and maybe some Spice Girls. But lets be honest, what girl doesn't want to party when she hears those songs from the middle school days when we all felt and looked most awkward. Oh wait...that's my life everyday. Awesome.

Expectations

2009-05-02T12:40:00.001-06:00

I’ve been pondering on expectations recently, and I think I’ve decided to adopt a new philosophy. A wise person once told me that they always keep their expectations low so they can’t be disappointed, and if your expectations are exceeded, it’s just a pleasant surprise. Yes, this is the pessimist’s way, but when have I ever been really good at optimism? Precisely. There are enough disappointments in life without creating more out of failed expectations.

In other news, everyone I know and their dog is getting married. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for those people who find “the one,” but do they all have to do it at once? I am loving the single life and I don’t anticipate an end to it in the near future. But being single isn’t fun anymore if all your friends are married. Eesh. Can’t you people just stay single for my social life’s sake? It’d really help me out anyway.

On a happier note, today is Saturday, it is raining, and I don’t have to work. This is the makings for a good day. That is all.

Home?

2009-04-27T21:37:00.006-06:00

I am home...I think. I didn't realize just how much Jerusalem felt like home until I left it. Some days I wake up and wonder if it was all a dream. I miss it alot. But there are things to move forward with here, so I'll suck it up and quit trying to fall back asleep.

Today I re-packed my whole life and determined what I could and couldn't live without. I have always prided myself on ability to throw stuff away, but as the years go on I grow more prone to sentimental objects. Why do we have to have so many things? I get tired of it all, and yet I continue to drag them around with me. What I really need to come to grips with is the fact that I simply won't be able to remember everything, and no matter how many things I take with me, there will still be forgotten pieces somewhere. I hate forgetting. I hope heaven is full of everything I forget.

Now that I'm back to normal life, I'm back to my old habits of planning light years ahead (and then sitting back and watching it all go out the window) and figuring out what I'm doing with my life. I've reverted back to the plan of applying for the teaching program. I figure I've got nothing to lose, so I might as well see if I can get in. Plans for another study abroad are already being dreamed up as I type, but I don't see it coming to fruition. Besides, I don't know that anything could top Jerusalem. Gah I miss it. Alot.

Life Alterations

2009-04-05T14:23:00.003-06:00

So, since coming to the Holy Land I have learned alot of different things. It has been an incredible experience, and as we approach the last few weeks of the program I can't help but look forward and wonder how it will affect the rest of my life. The people I've met here have impacted me, the places I've visited will stick with me, and the spirit I've felt will forever change the way I feel about the gospel and my savior. I know I'll be leaving yet another piece of my heart here in Israel, just like in Ecuador. Maybe by the end of my life I'll just have my heart spread all across the world. That's the goal at least.

Anyways, aside from the life changing lessons, I think I've also come to some life changing deicsions. Maybe. I think. First of all, I *think* I've officially decided to go ahead and just finish my degree in English without pursuing a teaching certificate with it. I know I want to teach, but I'd rather get my certification teaching through a program that works with low income schools. We all know teaching is definitely not about the money, and I think if I go do a program like TeachForAmerica I'll learn and help more than I ever could in a classroom at BYU. So basically this means that by this time next year I could be getting ready for graduation. There's a dose of reality, yikes. When you go to college you have this idea that it's just going to last forever, but then it doesn't and before you know it you're almost done.

Secondly, this experience has instilled an even greater desire within me to travel. There is so much to learn from different cultures, and I want to take advantage of the time I have now to do those kinds of things. Which brings me to another option: pursuing a semester abroad in teaching English in China...which ironically, is where I was supposed to be instead of here. The chance to immerse myself in a service program has such an appeal at this point, and I know that it would be an amazing experience.

Thirdly, with the possibility of an earlier graduation, thoughts of graduate school are starting to look tempting. For the last few years I've had this pipe dream of moving to Ithaca, New York and studying English at Cornell. I know it's not very realistic and that I probably could never get in anyway, but I can't bring myself to give up hope that it could happen someday.

So there you have it, my life plans in a nutshell. I don't know where I'll end up, but at least I know it'll be an adventure and that no matter where I go, I still know that God loves me and has a plan.

Thank You For Your Patience

2009-03-15T16:06:00.003-06:00

Do you ever have those moments where you wish you had a tag on your shirt like new employees that says "Trainee-of-Life, Thank you for your patience." Because I do. Yesterday was one of those moments. I shared a personal life story at church that wouldn't have been so bad, except I probably said something along the lines of "If you you wear pink sweatpants with writing on the butt, I judge you." While it wasn't my intention to offend, I'm sure I hurt someone's feelings. Score? Elyse's life progress: zero, Foot-in-my-mouth life moments: one billion. I just hope by now that everyone realizes I am an idiot. I am the first one to own up to the fact that I am completely and utterly flawed. Yes World, it's true that I am loud, obnoxious, opinionated, immature, insensitive, stubborn, silly and a whole slew of other things. But you know what? I'm working on it. At least I'm to the point where I can own up to most of my faults. Hopefully overcoming them is somewhere down that long road of life. So, what I really mean to say is bless you all for bearing with me. Someday I'll grow up, I promise.

Lost and Found

2009-03-09T05:44:00.003-06:00

So I decided that I needed to do a post-traumatic update since I last left with the beginnings of an identity crisis. I've got to be honest, the funk I was in didn't end until a few days ago and I'm not sure what it can be attributed to. Normally I'm pretty secure in who I am and where I'm going, but I just fell off the boat for awhile. The good news is that the boat is again sailing smooth and I'm back to myself. Now I just want to address a few points I've been pondering recently.

I was blog surfing the other day and read someone who was expressing their dislike for how open people get on their blogs. How they feel like it's baring your soul to strangers and it makes readers uncomfortable sometimes. I'm going to have to politely disagree with this opinion. I love how blogs give you a window into a person. It lets you see a layer that even close friendship doesn't always permeate. I think it's a means of self-discovery as well. If it's too deep for you, then quit reading it! Why is baring our souls to one another such a scary thing? What do we have to hide? We're all imperfect in different ways, so why not share our insecurities and help eachother overcome them? So there's my blog soapbox, I'll climb off now.

On a lighter and rather random note, I have begun painting my fingernails recently and I'm undecided on how I feel about it. First it started out as I felt the need to rebel from my mature side (which isn't very dominant these days anyway). But now it's starting to placate my deep feelings of remorse over the loss of color in my Jerusalem wardrobe. I never realized how stifled I would feel only wearing dark colored clothing. My pinks and greens are definitely missed the most. So for now I'll just keep painting my fingernails and looking like a 13 year old tween. Good thing I have no pride left to surrender.

Finally, I've got to vent about the housing situation I'm supposed to be figuring out. Finding a place to live when you are halfway around the world is pretty much the worst thing ever. I'm having to depend on my wonderful sister to check things out for me. But as we all know, I really like getting a feel for things and making my own decisions. I think I'm most anxious about roommates. Now that all my old ones are married or on missions, I'm back to square one where I could potentially be stuck with a sociopath (don't laugh, been there and done that) for a roomie. I've still got a rather long road of school ahead of me as well. I can't decide if I'm happy or depressed about that. Life is just life you know? Take it one day at a time and hold your breath for the best.

The Juicy Stuff

2009-02-17T12:49:00.004-07:00

So I've decided to post here whenever I feel like my thoughts are too intense for the Jeru blog. I'm feeling another psychotic break coming on, and it may be better if people around here are left in the dark. Of course for all I know everyday is a psychotic break and I'm just having a normal day. Either way you look at it, I've got a reputation to uphold. I think that makes sense...yeah.

Anywho, the past few days have been pretty rough. I was getting minimal amounts of sleep and spending all day between class and play. Too much play and not enough sleep makes Elyse a not so happy camper. So I went to bed early and slept for 10 straight hours yesterday. Hopefully I've returned back to my former self. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. Here are the real issues.

1) I am going slightly crazy with this persona I've put on since I got here. It's...strange. It was fun for the first few weeks, but now I'm getting sick of being in my own skin. I want to go back to the old me. I think. There are things I've been better about, and then there are personality flaws I've let get way too public. Don't you just wish that you could take your whole personality and squeeze it into a little box sometimes? Put it on the shelf and just exist in a shell-like state for awhile?

2) This is really random, but it's kind of stressing me out. I have a fetish with pens. Actually, just one specific pen...called the Pilot EasyTouch. Every semester I buy a new set because they are literally the best pens ever. The problem is, I got a little to liberal before I left and bought a colored set to bring. Now I'm down to the last little bit of my black ink pen and I'll soon have to resort to the blue, green, red, and purple. Call me crazy, but I just can't study my notes as clearly if my ink isn't black. Like I said...psychotic break.

3) Today I missed the BYU campus for the first time in almost 2 months. I was walking back to my room and I heard some bells ringing and automatically waited for a chorus of Come Come Ye Saints to ring out. But alas, I was disappointed to hear some other tune. BYU really has become my home. What happens when I have to graduate and go into the real world? I mean I'm excited to be a real proficient adult someday, but what about the bells?

4) Digging a little deeper...I started pondering on how many times a day I do things just because other people are watching. When you start to think about it, just how much of your personality is a result of who you are around? If you were alone in the world, who would you be? I think this experience has forced me to face this question. Especially since I've become a different person here...well different and still the same. Who am I becoming, and is it something I want to be doing? And if it's not, how do you stop changing? Because I have no idea...

I just counted how many times I used the dot dot dot...that would make 7 times in one post. Wow. Judge me.

Confession Session

2009-02-02T02:41:00.003-07:00

Dear old blog, oh how I've missed you. The Jeru blog has been good to me, but I miss the rawness of writing my so-called profundity. So here it goes. The last two days have convinced me (well really forced me to remember) that I have serious pride issues. I just think I'm so great at reading people, and to a certain degree I am, but I put way to much stock in what I first perceive. Especially when I just base it on observations and not on interaction. Unless you really sit down and talk to someone, plowing through that skim layer of what I like to call "saving face", you don't get to know the real person. The more I talk to people here, the more I realize that I have no idea who these people are until I ask them. Every person has their own story, trials, weaknesses, triumphs and heartaches. The point is that we've got to be there for eachother. So I'm turning over a new leaf, or at least attempting to. I'm throwing off the judgments and determining to dig deeper and find that real self.

Another lesson I'm learning whilst abroad, (again really just a reminder) is that the world is very very big, and I am very very small. How do we all get so wrapped up in our own little lives and forget this entire planet has got so much going on in it? Egypt really reminded me of Ecuador and some of the harsh living conditions that people endure. I remember wondering when I was younger why everyone thought the United States was great. Now I see how blessed we truly are. Then you start wondering why in the world you were born into the life you have and someone else was born in a third world country where they struggle for their lives each day. An attitude of gratitude should be a constant state of being for all of us. No matter what we're struggling with, it's nothing like what happens elsewhere.

Finally, I just have to say how much stronger my testimony of the Lord has grown since I've come here. Even though it's only been a month, I have become a completely different person. I'd like to say it's for the better, as we've previously discussed, my assessments aren't really on target these days. Every day I am struck by the blessings the Lord sees fit to give me. Then I realize just how undeserving I am. If I want to be truly grateful, I've got to get lost in something beyond myself. I know I learned this lesson back in Ecuador, but obviously I didn't remember it well enough because here I am being taught it again. That's okay though, because this time I'm taking it with me.

Hello Goodbye

2009-01-03T19:18:00.003-07:00

This is going to be another one of those scatterbrained blogs, sorry peeps (yes I did just call you a marshmallow bunny).

I think I have a little obsession with alliteration. I was looking through my old posts and I just like to use it, alot. Maybe because it makes me seem like I know how to use literary devices. But we all know I'm not really that clever. Pretending is much more fun.

Today is saturday, which means that exactly three days from now I will be en route to Jerusalem, Israel. Nevermind the fact that they just sent tanks into the gaza strip, which is only a meager 48 miles (i just calculated) from where I'll be staying. I'm not even going to lie, I'm a little nervous. But not nervous enough to miss a life changing experience. It's what I'm supposed to be doing, so what happens will happen.

I've been deciding if I wanted to create another blog for my Jerusalem stuff...and I think I'm going to. So if you notice me not updating as much, check my profile and see if I've posted another one up. It'll be something catchy...like the Jerusalem Chronicles or something corny. Heh.

Goodbyes kind of suck. Alot. I've already had to say goodbye to some close friends and family. Yeah I know it's only four months, but Israel is also far far away. And I hate saying goodbye. It's like ripping out a piece of your heart and leaving it somewhere else. That was how Ecuador was, and although I'm not saying goodbye to people forever like I had to there, it's still not fun. However, goodbyes also mean new hellos. So I just need to suck it up.

Last thing...I've had entirely too much time to ponder on things over the last two weeks and I started thinking about communication. I was analyzing (i'm a girl, it's what we do) all my relationships with friends, family etc, and realizing that I go to different people for different things. This is the little gem of wisdom I discovered:

There are three modes of communication that people primarily use...talking, listening, and conversing. The best kind of friends are good at all three. All of this made me evaluate myself, and I realized that I could definitely improve in my communicaton skills. So...even though I really wasn't going to make a new years resolution because I think they are stupid (ask my why sometime)...I am now making a new years resolution to be a better listener, a better conversationalist, and maybe less of a talker. :-) So here's to 2009 everyone!

Nothing Says Merry Christmas Like Rain...

2008-12-25T19:11:00.004-07:00

Well folks, I made it through that dark spot of finals and moving...and here we are on Christmas. I have to be honest though, I thought it would feel a little better. Don't get me wrong, because I sure as heck am not missing homework, but I think I miss school already. Now that's just crazy talk. Humph. Anywho, today was a very merry christmas filled with...wind and rain. I didn't even step outside the house all day. Pathetic. Oh well, I've only got another 11 days of my life to waste before I leave for Jerusalem. Now there is a crazy thought. I didn't think I'd be itching to leave this bad, but apparently I'm a creature of action, and two weeks of vacation seems almost too much. It's been great to be with my family and friends though. I couldn't get on without them, even if I like to pretend like I could. So here at the end of Christmas day, a valuable lesson is forming in my mind: I am nothing and I would be going nowhere, if it weren't for the people in my life. So Merry Christmas everyone, and don't forget why you're still here.

Don't Be Hatin'

2008-12-15T20:58:00.002-07:00

I'm sorry, but this is going to be an angry blog. Finals make me crabby, and now I will most assuredly be hatin' on everything.

First things first. Finals are the cruelest form of torture invented for those who decided high school was as bad as it could get. Why did I come to college? I find myself asking this at the end of every semester. Professors are merciless slave drivers who get a sick satisfaction out of cackling at the hoards of students hunched over computers, books, and notes as they stuff their face with chocolate since caffeine is not sold on BYU campus. Don't even get me started on the caffeine thing. Bottom line: I hate finals more than anything in the entire universe...and I hate a crapload of stuff.

Second thing. Public affection makes me want to throw large and rather sharp rocks at people. I don't care if you're dating/engaged/married or just getting some. Get a freaking room and stop subjecting me to the physical intimacies of your insecure relationship. I'm sorry, but I am a firm believer in the concept that if you feel the need to parade PDA all over the place, you have some serious problems.

Third. I am still have no food in my apartment, and I continue to refuse to go grocery shopping. So, I will spend the next three days eating my bags of chocolate candy and will hopefully have a blood sugar reaction that will leave me twitching on the floor and thus give me a medical excuse for not completing the 5 page paper, 1800 word essay test, and comprehensive religion final. Wish me luck kids!

Now or Never

2008-12-08T10:03:00.003-07:00

I know I if I don't blog now I probably won't do it for 2 weeks because the end of this semester just might kill me between 2 papers, 2 essay finals, a comprehensive spanish final WITH and oral exam, and a stinkload of spanish homework I've successfully procrastinated for a month. Boo. Anywho, my sister Sara came up this weekend and we had a good time eating our body weight in fast food and watching movies. The best part of all this is that I am now destitute. Aside from when Sara was here, I've been forced to eat all the food in my cupboard that I did not want to eat all semester. My diet has consisted of ramen, boxed pasta, frozen chicken nuggest, power bars, and goldfish. Seriously, a month of that can make the thought of food nauseating. Yes I whine, but really I'm just glad to still be eating.

In other news, I finished Persuasion for my Jane Austen class last night, and I've officially decided it is her best novel and my personal favorite. Let me just give you a little taste though, of what's so great about it...

"If there is anything disagreeable going on, men are always sure to get out of it."

"She was deep in the happiness of such misery, or the misery of such hapiness, instantly."

"Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you."

Seriously, if you haven't read Persuasion, you really should. It's only about 200 pages, and if you have a sentimental bone in your body, you will appreciate it.

The Story of Shoes

2008-11-25T18:43:00.003-07:00

Is anyone else ever fascinated by shoes? I mean aside from the female's natural tendency to buy excessive pairs? Because I find myself walking around looking at people's shoes more than looking at faces. I think shoes can tell alot about a person. Not to say that we should start judging people by their shoes because if that were the case, I might not have any friends. But seriously, think about it, because shoes tell a story. If my shoes could talk, here's what I think they would say...

I like to be comfortable
No I do not feel like matching today
I enjoy stepping in puddles
Bright colors on feet hurt my eyes
Heels are not welcome in Elyse's closet
Polka dots can be worn with anything
I'm lucky shoes even got put on this morning
Yes I am a nerd, and proud of it

Anyways, next time your sitting in a place full of people, just take a minute to look around at the shoes. Imagine their stories, imagine the places they've been and the distances they've walked. Shoes go wherever we go, and they are a completely objective third party without any opinion in the matter. :-)

Ramblings of Psychosis

2008-11-19T13:34:00.003-07:00

I have all sorts of anecdotes and wisdom to impart today, so here it goes...

Definition of Psychosis : fundamental derangement of the mind (as in schizophrenia) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality especially as evidenced by delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized speech and behavior

....I think this applies fer sure.

The sun should not always be so bright. I mean don't get me wrong, I love me some good sunshine, but some days it's like: Could you turn the lights down? My head is caining (as Liz would say). I suppose that's how drunks feel everytime they wake up from a hangover though. Ha, never thought I'd be able to liken an experience to that.

Last night I was riding home with some friends around midnight. As we were pulling out of the parking lot I looked up at the sky and could've swore on my life that there was a HUGE comet darting across it. So I yelled and pointed until my poor friend Maddie who was driving looked up. "Whoa that is WIGGITY WACK!" was my knee-jerk reaction. And unfortunately it was not a comet, but rather the moon hidden half behind the mountain and half behind a dark cloud, so only a streak showed through. Thus all my dreams of the world ending had not really come true in the 5.6 seconds I had imagined it.

I absolutely abhor student loans. The process to secure one is so tedious, absurd, and ridiculously long winded that it is truly a miracle any one ever gets their tuition paid. Curse them! How many confounded signatures, tutorials, tax copies, and papers do you people need? Seriously, if I ran the this country college would be free and all those rich celebrities would be paying for it out of taxes. After all, if they insist on debasing the standards and intelligence of society by their careers, they should at least give some kind of penance. But I guess that's why I don't run this country lol.

The other day I was blog surfing and I came to a pathetic realization...I'm just not as funny as I thought I was. I guess I always thought I was witty and clever but in comparison to most, my humor is about as funny as getting poked in the eye. So if your still wasting your time reading this blog, I do apologize. But in all fairness, I never expected anyone to read it anyway.

Friends and Fairy Princes

2008-11-13T00:12:00.002-07:00

Okay, since I'm working off my laptop battery here, this blog might have to be short...but I would like to give it as much credit as possible. First item of business: today I was again reminded of how incredibly awesome friends are. Seriously, what would life be like without them? I spent all morning by myself doing homework, and then I went to work and class. At work I made friends with an aquaintance and spent a good half hour just talking about random stuff. Then my old roommate comes to visit me (okay she was doing a research project and needed some books) and I got to catch up on all her ridiculously entertaining life stories. Then in spanish class it was the same old drill of me cracking stupid jokes and my friends laughing at them. Back at work again I got to start up sporadic conversations with my co-worker who I personally think is a riot. And to top it all of I got to walk home with my roommate and then watch back to the future 3 with my apartment. For real though, the best thing is sitting down with old friends and laughing together. Man life is good. Anywho, second item on the agenda: I am about to bring up a very touchy topic that I have spent many a days arguing over. That of course is which disney prince takes the cake? Now we all know Dmitri from Anastasia is OBVIOUSLY the most attractive animated character out there...but we're talking disney here. Two of my close friends would argue that Prince Eric from Little Mermaid is the best. But, let me just point out the facts here. Firstly, Prince Eric stupidly falls for Ursula when she's disguised. I mean come on...where's the judge of character? Secondly, he plays the flute...ok now I'm sorry, but flute does not really represent the epitome of masculinity for me. And thirdly, Eric doesn't even do a good job of kicking Ursula's butt. All he has to do is steer the ship into her fat belly. Laaaame. Now Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty...there is a real man. Point A: Prince Philip can sing AND dance. Let's be honest...attractive! Point B: Philip rides horses. If that's not manly then I don't know what is. Point C: Philip kicks Malificents sorry dragon-breathed booty. Malificent is like the baddest disney villain out there, and Philip takes her down single-handedly. Thus, I submit my case to you and leave the final judgment in your hands. But really, is there any competition? I think not.

This Thesis May NOT Be Copied

2008-11-06T23:39:00.004-07:00

Did you think I was going to forget to blog this week? Bwah ha! I triumph again. Anywho, for the last three days I have been spending all my spare moments at work on a new "special" project. Special for two reasons: one because I work in Special Collections of the Harold B. Lee Library and thus everything I do there is "special" and second, because I'm doing the job no one else wanted to do. I have been going through all the dusty old theses in the stacks labeling ones with copyright restrictions. However, there are some benefits to this seemingly tedious assignment. The most important one is that I get to jam to my own ipod tunes while I'm doing it. Seriously...I am getting paid to listen to my music and move my hand mechanically. Another added bonus are the fascinating subjects I get to ponder after reading theses titles. I even stumbled across one with a typo! It read "A radiographic study of the large vowel in 25 normal children" when it SHOULD have read "A radiographic study of the large BOWEL in 25 normal children." Amazing what one letter can mean eh? Like I said, riveting stuff. So overall, I really think all the other chumps at work are missing out on a good time. My life is good, REAL good.

On another completely unrelated topic, I am now going to rant about some literature. Right now I am reading Emma as part of an assignment for my Jane Austen class. Since beginning the class, I've learned to appreciate Austen's writing from a more scholarly view. Thus, I held out hope that although I couldn't stand Emma when I read it a few years ago, all the critical hype about it would prove something worthwhile. Sadly, I am disappointed. While I am still an avid Austen fan and I love her wit, I cannot look upon Emma Woodhouse with anything less than loathing. She one of the most egocentric, ignorant, and conceited characters I have ever read. At least with villains they know they are bad, but Emma is supposed to be the heroine! What kind of person butts into everyone's business, screws everybody's lives up, and then gets the awesome guy? I hate hate hate it! In this instance I really wish fiction wasn't like real life, but alas Austen has it right. It's the story we all know and hate to hear. So here's a thesis statement for you: Emma teaches us one thing only (yes I'm being hyperbolic but just roll with it), and that is that money and good looks can secure you a happily ever after. Thank you fairy godmother.

The Closet Question

2008-10-26T21:34:00.003-06:00

So I've been getting really annoyed with the fact that none of my friends update their blog, but then I realized I'm just as bad, so I really can't complain. Here's the deal: I vow to blog at least once a week from here on out. They may not be useful, thoughtful, or even intelligent...but I will share some absurd idea with the world from now on. Thus, since I have nothing to poignant to offer about my life right now, besides that it is still very much the same, I will proceed to give intense thought on clothes. This past week I had the opportunity to go shopping for a new wardrobe since my current one seems insufficient for Middle Eastern standards.

Shopping for dull, conservative clothing proved more difficult than I thought. America as a country really has a ridiculous obsession with flashy and ostentatious (random confession: I spell checked this word) clothing. Anyways, spending over $100 for some less than fashionable clothing, my needs were mostly satisfied. Then I went to work and told a co-worker who's from Nepal about the experience. She made the brilliant suggestion of going to the Hare Krishna temple to purchase a shawl and burka...just in case. So, this whole episode got me thinking about clothing and how society (myself included) bases so much judgment on outer appearances. You see someone with a scruffy face and tattered clothes and what comes to mind? Homeless bum. Come on, don't deny it. Or say you see a girl in high heels and an expensive purse, you think High Maintenance. Not convinced yet? What about a kid with glasses, high water pants, and a pen in his breast pocket. Nerd squared. Clothes tell someone all about you without ever saying a word. Why is that? Why do clothes have to classify us? Why do we need to be classified at all? The truth is, that we don't have to...we choose to. Personally, I think it's stupid. We should be more concerned with what's in our heads than what's on our shoulders. So tomorrow, when you're looking at your clothes in the closet (or the hamper if you're me), go crazy and wear something unusual, break those barriers. Better yet, the next time you see someone walking down the street in an outfit that would classify them, smile to yourself and let the judgment pass you by.

Oh the irony

2008-10-13T21:15:00.002-06:00

I find it amusing that the only time I bother to blog is when I'm avoiding my homework. For example, right now I'm suppose to be writing a three page critique on a critical essay of pride and prejudice. I even hauled my lazy butt up to campus to force myself into work at the library. Does it actually make me work any better? I think now. Ah well, there it is. Anyways, tomorrow is my 22nd birthday, so I thought I'd relate some contemplations on age and life. You know how people say that you get more wise every year? Well I think that's a lie. Every year I just become more acutely aware of the things I don't know and the weaknesses I'm prone to. So maybe the real wisdom lies within the realization that you will never be wise, no matter how many books you read, how many places you go, how many people you meet, or how many years you live. You will always be ignorant. Now there's a happy thought! I will never have to worry about being alone in ignorance. :-) On another note, I have decided that my new resolution for my 22nd year of life will be master my critical tendencies. Yes yes I know, those of you who know me are laughing, but I will triumph...eventually. Although it may take more than one year of my life to overcome. Finally, my closing thoughts for the day are directed towards the blinking cursor. I am staring at my paper, willing it to be written, and yet it will not come. I have that nice 2 inch cushion of my name, class, professor, and date in the upper left hand corner, but alas that is the extent of intelligence my brain is allowing to come forth. Blink blink blink. It's still blinking at me! The nerve of that cursor.

Strike Three

2008-09-30T20:29:00.002-06:00

I've decided to have a new outlook on procrastination. From now on I'm considering it a talent. No one can procrastinate and then pull out all the stops at the end like I do. Ha! Take that. Hm. So, now I will proceed to blog about useless nothings instead of doing my homework. See how impressive my skills are? Anyways, today I was facebooking (yes that is a verb and no I am not pathetic) and suddenly realized that I have struck out. I've never been good at playing the game...but within the last year I've managed to miss every pitch. There was the high ball that I swung and missed, the curve ball that I barely managed to swing at as it passed me by, and then there was the pitch, slow and straight. True to form, I didn't swing, and now I'm the loser. (If you don't catch my drift, listen to Perfect Situation by Weezer) Yeah it kind of sucks, and yes sometimes it still hurts...like poking an infected wound. But at least I can say I tried. At least I can look back and say something for myself. So while I sit on the bench for awhile and contemplate how exactly to hit that home run, I'll remember that it's better to swing and miss, then to never have swung at all.

The Horizon of My Little World

2008-09-16T20:40:00.002-06:00

Well, a few things to relate since my last blog. Wow, it's weird how fast your life can change in two quick weeks. First, my wonderful roommate is now engaged to the boy she's wanted to marry for quite some time. I am extremely excited for her...and yet sad that I won't ever get to share a bedroom and giggle all night with her again. Second, I finally quit my job at the bookstore and now work in the library again. It's amazing how much stress and pain that simple act has taken off my shoulders. Third, and most exciting (for me at least), is that I've officially been accepted to study at the Jerusalem Center in January. I was ecstatic when I got my letter yesterday. I skipped out of my spanish class just to stay home and read all of my packet info. Of course now the heavier things are starting to sink in as well. The $10,000 cost is definitely daunting...especially considering I haven't even made that much money working part-time this entire year. *shudder* But I don't care if I have to work for a million summers, it will be worth it. Another drawback of course is that I won't see my family or friends for 4 1/2 months. For some that's not a big deal, but I depend on mine alot...more than even I realize. Finally, there is the fact that Jerusalem is not a politcally or religiously settled place. Just a few months ago a man drove a bulldozer down a busy street of Israelis. Things are alot different there. But all of these changes are necessary. I've been feeling so stuck lately, and now I have my answer. I'm going somewhere else to learn something new. Broadening my horizons is always a good thing. Now I just have to find the patience to get through the next (less than!!) 4 months.

Train Wreck

2008-09-04T22:59:00.004-06:00

Fall is here...one week into school and already I'm sick of it and wishing it was over. Not a good sign. For some reason I am putting myself through the additional pain of looking for a new job. Not because I really need one, just because I "feel" like it. And probably because my mom told me I need to. I put way too much stock in what she tells me. I hate that. I hate that I go to her with every major decision of my life and base my actions on what she says. Yes I know we should listen to our parents and take their wisdom into consideration...but where do you draw the line? Sometimes it seems like she's in my head, that it doesn't really matter what I really want, because in the end I'll see it her way and do what she wants me to. What happen to that free agency I'm supposed to have? Gah! Stupid idiot me.

I like to complain don't I? That's annoying. Let's relate something happy...um...wow...thinking...oh here's one. In exactly one month, 3 days, and 20 hours I will be rocking out to a weezer concert. Hang work, school, and responsibility...I'm going to go scream my lungs out to Troublemaker and The Greatest Man That Ever Lived. I feel good about that.

On another unrelated tangent, I think I've decided that no matter what happens after this semester, I'm getting myself out of here. Out of this state, out of this country, and out of this presence of mind. And I'm doing it by myself. If I get in to Jerusalem, that will be great. If I don't...I'll just have to console myself with something else. But I really really really want Jerusalem. I haven't wanted something so bad since I was waiting to get accepted to BYU. Still can't seem to shake the practice of expecting the worse. Still a creature of habit I guess. But I will figure something out just like I always do. I've made it through this much, so the past is on my side. I just have to keep saying it to myself: I'm going to make it.

One last thing...a note on assimilation and transculturization. They are interchangable, and neither can occur without the other. No matter where we go, the process of assimilating ourselves into a foreign environment will inevitably change the culture around us. Furthermore, assimilation is something that can never be completed because if we have to assimilate to something, we bring our own experiences and past to the table. Each individual's experiences are so unique that assimilation can never be complete. So even if you wanted to go somewhere and start new, start fresh...you never really could. You existed before and you will take that with you. We are confounded by our past and will never be able to find an existence away from it. That is reality my friends.

Symbols & Pedestals

2008-08-20T13:30:00.003-06:00

It's good to be home...to get back into the rhythm of life again. Of course with that comes the daily decision to push all of the things that I don't want to face out of my head in order to get anything done. Eventually it becomes a dull buzz, but still there. I was thinking about everything today and realized that I see people too much in the form of symbols. I let my idea of a person determine who they are and forget that just like me, they are changing and ambiguous...continually growing (or in some cases not lol) and learning. I have to quit looking at people like symbols in my life. Especially one in particular.

Anyways, I had an interesting conversation with a close friend the other night. We were both talking about our usual struggles and how ironically, we are facing one very similar problem. Life astounds me sometimes with the coincidences. So, we both were spounting off how inadequate we feel. Locked in our position as the girl who is never enough. Never deserving or adequate for the things we want most. Of course neither of us see the other in that light...just ourselves. Yet again proving that each person's perception of themselves is so hyper-critical it's hard to believe that any of us get up in the morning. In conjuction with this conversation, I also pointed out how painstakingly aware we are of our own faults. You think with that knowledge I would be more open to accepting that no matter how well I think I know a person, I don't know them well enough if I can't see their weaknesses. Which is exactly the point for me and my friend. We can't see the weaknesses of those we put on a pedestal. The ones we take everyone else and compare to them without even thinking about it. How can we ever win when we aren't playing fair? We cheating ourselves...all of us are.

The Ever Elusive Sleep

2008-08-16T03:05:00.002-06:00

I hate hotels with double beds. Period. And snoring. I hate that too. Anyways, I've been on hiatus for the last few weeks because I took a vacation away from my life. Unfortunately, coming back is harder than before. I forget that vacations give me entirely too much time for self reflection where I usually end up realizing how absurd and stupid I am. How I tend to sabotage my own happiness and screw everything up. How I'm sick and tired of being stuck in my own life. That's why I'm always trying to go somewhere, to be unstuck. But the truth is, I'm stuck in my own head and my own problems. Must get out.

Say What You Mean

2008-07-21T22:02:00.005-06:00

I just wrote this entire blog and then decided to delete it. That's the problem with computers...you can just press a button and erase all of the stupid thoughts you just typed. No record or proof that you ever had them. Sad isn't? Anyways, I would just like to say a little bit on the complication of communication. Now I know you want me to launch into a teen angst avril song about how you make my life complicated and make me frustrated, and make alot of other silly rhymes, but you will be disappointed. I'm not in the rhyming mood. What I want to talk about is the inability we all have to say what we really mean...especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex. I wish I could say I have no fears of simply sitting someone down and telling them how it is, but that would be a lie. I'm insecure just like everyone else. Sometimes though, you just have to call someone out on it. If people did that more often, I think alot of complications could be avoided. It's ridiculous how much our society beats around the bush and plays games with eachother. Everything is a game, and I hate it. Be blunt, tell me what you think, lay it on me, I can take it. Maybe it will hurt, maybe it will stun, maybe it will shock, but at least it will be the truth.

Fake It

2008-07-12T22:47:00.002-06:00

The following quote struck me as interesting...
There's this parish priest, goes up to the pope, drops down on his knees, starts weeping, asking forgiveness. "Holy Father, Holy Father, what am I to do? What am I to do? I do not believe in God anymore. What am I to do?" You know what the pope said? "Fake it."
Now I'm not saying that I all of the sudden don't believe in my faith anymore or that my morals have been shaken or something. Just sometimes, somedays, it feels like I'm the priest and everyone else is the pope. There's those people around you who's very presence just screams "Fake it to me." So you plaster on that absurd smile and spin a web of imaginary optimism...ready to tell them whatever they need to hear. But that old saying that if you fake it long enough it will come true, that is one big fat lie. Faking it doesn't make it real. But with everything we have, what right do we have to be unhappy? Yet here it is, that ever present state of discontent and pain. Part of you wants to wallow in it and the other part wants to take a bat to that glass box of isolation you've built around yourself, smashing it to pieces. But there's only so long you can sit there in the box...I think I'll take that bat now.

Long time, No blog

2008-07-02T14:27:00.002-06:00

So I guess I've been getting a little lazy when it comes to my blog. Free time continues to elude me. Anyways, a few things that I've learned in the past month...I hate texting, mosquito bites can swell rather quickly, working two jobs can cause slight madness, high school musical is still awesome, and saying things in a british accent makes everything funnier...just to name a few. I also had the profound privelege of finally meeting B-Money on a street corner whilst on my way to the gym. The sun still shines and life is still good. Sometimes people get so caught up in what they're doing or where they think they should be going, but all you need to do is stop and realize what you've already got. Yes gas prices are sky high, no you still can't get enough vacation time to go anywhere, and let's be honest, no one REALLY wants to vote for either presidential candidate this year, but like I said: life is still good.

What a College Education Buys

2008-06-06T10:41:00.002-06:00

As I was pondering on what to blog about, I began thinking of all the "profound" life lessons college has already taught me so far. So, here's a top 10 of what my college education has bought me here at BYU...

10 - You must be 0n facebook in order to have any friends in the world.

9 - Watching tv shows on dvd or tivo is way better than watching it live.

8 - Ultimate frisbee might just be the most entertaining outdoor activity ever invented.

7 - James Joyce is never somebody you want to read by choice.

6 - EFY kids act less human than a pack of wolves.

5 - Chances are, you will always have a roommate who is "special" wherever you live.

4 - Texting is the preferred mode of communication rather than face to face.

3 - Dollar movies are now dollar and fifty cent movies...stupid economy.

2 - Cereal is it's own food group and you can have it for any meal.

1 - Less than 25% of what you learn in college will actually be relevant to real life.

Of course this list isn't complete, and I'm sure I will learn even more pertinent life lessons as I continue on my path of higher education. However, it's important to stop and evaluate is exactly how much of that $20,000 tuition money is really paying off. Well grandpa, here you are...

Cheers

2008-05-26T22:51:00.004-06:00

I always find it interesting to go back through journals and notice all of the different things I relate as I experience them. One thing seems constant though: I write most when I'm despairing or having absurd social drama. What ever happened to happy? Why don't people like to relate when they're happy? I don't know, but I myself am going to try and be a little better. So that's what this blog is today: the good day blog. Actually it should be the good week blog, because it's been a very good stretch of days lately. Sometimes you just need a good day to remind you what you're sticking around for. Friends are a large part of that...they can make you feel better just by being around. So here's a cheers...to good days and good friends. You know who you are. Thanks for putting up with me and reminding me just how I lucky I am.