Symbols & Pedestals

It's good to be home...to get back into the rhythm of life again. Of course with that comes the daily decision to push all of the things that I don't want to face out of my head in order to get anything done. Eventually it becomes a dull buzz, but still there. I was thinking about everything today and realized that I see people too much in the form of symbols. I let my idea of a person determine who they are and forget that just like me, they are changing and ambiguous...continually growing (or in some cases not lol) and learning. I have to quit looking at people like symbols in my life. Especially one in particular.

Anyways, I had an interesting conversation with a close friend the other night. We were both talking about our usual struggles and how ironically, we are facing one very similar problem. Life astounds me sometimes with the coincidences. So, we both were spounting off how inadequate we feel. Locked in our position as the girl who is never enough. Never deserving or adequate for the things we want most. Of course neither of us see the other in that light...just ourselves. Yet again proving that each person's perception of themselves is so hyper-critical it's hard to believe that any of us get up in the morning. In conjuction with this conversation, I also pointed out how painstakingly aware we are of our own faults. You think with that knowledge I would be more open to accepting that no matter how well I think I know a person, I don't know them well enough if I can't see their weaknesses. Which is exactly the point for me and my friend. We can't see the weaknesses of those we put on a pedestal. The ones we take everyone else and compare to them without even thinking about it. How can we ever win when we aren't playing fair? We cheating ourselves...all of us are.

The Ever Elusive Sleep

I hate hotels with double beds. Period. And snoring. I hate that too. Anyways, I've been on hiatus for the last few weeks because I took a vacation away from my life. Unfortunately, coming back is harder than before. I forget that vacations give me entirely too much time for self reflection where I usually end up realizing how absurd and stupid I am. How I tend to sabotage my own happiness and screw everything up. How I'm sick and tired of being stuck in my own life. That's why I'm always trying to go somewhere, to be unstuck. But the truth is, I'm stuck in my own head and my own problems. Must get out.